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Intervention February 8, 2001 (Yellow) Written by: Jane Espenson |
| Teaser |
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INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT (DAY 1) BUFFY, GILES and DAWN are at the sink. Buffy is washing dishes, Giles is drying. Dawn brings dirty dishes from the counter, and puts the dry clean ones back into the cupboards.
You don't have to help, Giles. You cooked.
Nonsense. I quite like to cook, and helping out with the dishes makes me feel useful.
Wanna clean out the garage with us Saturday? You could feel indispensable.
How… tempting.
Hey, Dawn? If there's any dishes in your room, let's have 'em before they get furry and we have to name them.
Hey, I was like, five then. Dawn exits.
How is she doing? Buffy looks at him - not sure how to answer.
And you?
Okay. Some minutes are harder than others.
I'm so sorry. I can only say, it will get better.
It has to. She smiles a bright "I'm okay" smile, not wanting to sink into despair. She finishes washing the last plate and starts drying it herself.
But we're holding up. Starting to get into a routine… She hands Giles the last plate.
Good. Routine can be very helpful… In fact, maybe we should consider returning to our training schedule. Giles puts away the last plate.
I don't know. I've been thinking about maybe taking a break or something. Buffy avoiding, heads toward the living room and Giles follows. INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT Buffy enters, Giles behind her.
You were doing so well.
And you were great, helping me and everything… (bites the bullet) But I've been feeling kind of uneasy about stuff.
Like what?
Training, slaying… All of it. I mean, I can beat up demons until the cows come home, and then I can beat up the cows, but I'm not sure I like what it's doing to me. Buffy sits on the sofa. Giles sits next to her.
But you've mastered so much. Your strength and resilience are -
Yeah, strength and resilience, those are like words for hardness. I'm starting to feel like, like being the Slayer is sort of turning me to stone.
Turning you to stone? Buffy…? Buffy is up and pacing now, trying to work it out.
I'm just… look, think about it. I was never really there for Riley, not like I was for Angel. I was terrible to Dawn…
Look, at a time like this you're bound to feel emotionally numb -
Before that. Riley left because I was shut down. He's gone and Mom's gone and I really loved her, but I don't know if I… if I let her know… Giles stands up, goes to her, puts a hand on her shoulder.
She knew. Always.
I don't know. To slay, to kill, you have to be kind of hard inside. Maybe being the perfect Slayer means being too hard to love at all. I already feel like I can hardly say the words.
Buffy-
I love you, Giles. Love love love Giles. Yuck. It feels strange.
I shouldn't wonder. (then) How serious are you about this?
Ten. Serious to the amount of ten.
There is something. In the Watcher's Diaries. A Quest.
A quest. Like find a grail or something?
Not a grail. Maybe some answers. It would take a day, perhaps two. As your Watcher, I'd be part of it. There's an incantation.
I can't leave Dawn here. Not with Glory looking for her.
Sure you can. Dawn is standing in the doorway, carrying a few small plates. She enters, sets them down and looks questioningly at Giles.
What's the deal?
A quest. Some of the Slayers before Buffy found it helpful in regaining their focus, learning more about their role. There's a sacred location in the nearby desert.
A sacred place near the Hellmouth?
That's fairly common, actually. Sort of an equalization of forces.
But I can't go. (to Dawn) I'm not leaving you here.
If you need to learn… I mean if it'll help you out, I think you should do it. I can hang out with the gang… Buffy hesitates.
I'll be okay.
I love you, Dawn. You know that, right?
Yeah. I love you too.
I love you. Really love you.
Gettin' weird.
Sorry. But - it's important that I tell you. Weird love is better than no love. INT. WARREN'S HOUSE - NIGHT SPIKE is looking at something out of frame. WARREN (from ep. 15) is standing nearby, looking also.
Some say it's better than the real thing. ANOTHER ANGLE Reveals what Spike and Warren are looking at. She is BUFFYBOT, a perfect replica of Buffy. She WEARS BUFFY'S SWEATER AND A SHORT FLOUNCY SKIRT. She stands inanimate at the moment. Eyes closed and motionless.
Better than the real thing.
She looks good, but what about the rest? A little talk, a little walk, perhaps a zippy cartwheel…? Warren is already heading for the door.
Hey, she's great. You'll be real happy, I swear. She's got everything you asked for, the extra programming, tons of real world knowledge, the profiles you gave me about her family and friends.
All the extra programming, right?
(uncomfortable) The stuff you wanted. The scenario responses, the, you know, special skills… all of it. Now, you said I could leave town when she was done, and she's- To get out of the room, Warren has to pass right by Spike. He tries to do so as Spike is still staring at the bot. Without taking his eyes off her, Spikes hand shoots out and grabs Warren by the collar.
Wait. I'm not sure I'm a satisfied customer. She looks a little shiny to me. You know, a touch of plasticine… Suddenly Buffybot's eyes open.
Spike! Oh, Spike! She grabs Spike by the shoulders and pulls him to her in a steamy and thorough kiss. When it ends:
(simply) She'll do. BLACK OUT.
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| Act One |
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INT. GLORY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY (DAY 2) GLORY sits with JINX and MURK. Three UNNAMED MINIONS stand respectfully at the edges of the room. She is scattered and upset, but not manic or out-of-control. More human than we've seen before.
He's getting stronger. I'm losing him. I'm losing control of him.
You are speaking of Ben, Most Glamorous Yet Tasteful One?
He stabbed you! In your body! Oh, Jinxy, that's not on the dance card! That's not supposed to happen! He's a (distasteful) person. He's not supposed to do that.
Jinx is all right, your Highness. And we have the new knowledge that the Key is a human being.
And Jinx will stay all right until Ben finds out that he's not dead, that we know his secret. Then Ben will try to stop all of us!
What do we do?
We hurry. Scamper scamper. If time runs out on us and all we're left with is info, then we're screwed.
Oh, surely not.
No. We're screwed.
But you're a God! The Sacred Glorificus!
I'm a God in exile. Far from the Hellfires of Home and sharing my body with an enemy that stabs my boys in their fleshy little stomachs! She taps Jinx's stomach with a finger. He winces.
I'm in pain. Oh, my sweet Scabby Boys, I want to go home.
(through discomfort) How can we help? We'll lay down our lives! Glory is up and pacing now, thinking on her feet.
The Slayer and the Key are connected. She is going to have contact with it. Find out who is new in her life, who is special, who is different. Watch her.
We can do that, Oh Thou.
She could give it a nickel on a street corner, or bump into it on a bus or share a creamy chocolate shake with it at the soda fountain. I want to hear about everyone she has contact with. That girl has my Key and I'm trusting you boys to get it for me. If you love me, get it for me. INT. GILES' CAR/EXT. DESERT ROAD - DAY Giles' car pulls to a stop alongside the desert road. The doors open. Giles gets out from the driver side, Buffy from the passenger side. Giles goes around and opens the trunk.
What's in the trunk? GILES goes around and opens the trunk. Leans in…
Supplies.
I was wondering about that. Food and water, maybe a compass? Giles pulls out of the trunk holding a thick book, a gourd and a bundle of twigs.
How about a book, a gourd and a bundle of twigs.
Don't think I'll be that hungry. Giles walks away from the car, into the desert. Buffy tags along beside him.
They're for me. You see, the location of the sacred spot is a guarded secret. I can't take you there myself. I have to perform a ritual that will turn over my guardianship of you, temporarily, to a Guide…
A Guide, but no water or food. So it leads me to the sacred place and then a week later it leads you to my bleached bones?
Buffy, really. It takes more than a week to bleach bones. He smiles at her. She smiles back. Giles stops walking and starts arranging the twigs on the ground to form a circle. He steps into the circle.
So, how does it start?
(embarrassed) I… jump out of the circle, jump back in, and, and, shake my gourd.
Hey, I think I know this ritual. The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the Hokey-Pokey and to turn themselves around-
Go. Quest. Buffy doesn't move. Giles jumps out of the circle. Jumps back in and shakes his gourd. It rattles. Buffy tries to look serious.
(mock-gravity) And that's what it's all about. A clap of THUNDER startles Buffy.
(humble) Questing. Buffy walks off into the shimmering heat of the desert. INT. SPIKE'S CRYPT - DAY Buffybot and Spike are circling each other, braced for a fight. Buffybot holds a stake.
What are you searching for, Slayer? A weak spot? Try me. Give me the best you've got. Buffybot lunges at Spike with the stake. He ducks it, comes up under her, ends up holding her close from behind, his mouth at her ear. They're both breathing fast.
Was that your best, Slayer?
No.
Why not?
I want to hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body.
Maybe I should repay you for your gentleness. Maybe I should let you go.
No! Spike! Never let me go!
You know you should be afraid of me. I'm bad.
You are. You're very very bad. She SPINS, throwing him off her back, knocking him onto his back on his bier. She jumps up and straddles him, one hand at his throat, the other holding the stake at his heart.
You gonna do it that way?
No. This way. She RIPS his shirt open and presses the stake against his bare chest. Spike GROWLS and arches up against the stake. She hesitates.
You can't do it.
I could never do it. I'm helpless against you, you fiend. She throws the stake away. Spike rolls them over… they FALL OFF THE BIER to the floor of the crypt. Spike on top now. He kisses her and moves on top of her.
Buffy. EXT. DESERT - DAY Giles is sitting inside his twig circle now. He reads from his book.
(Swahili) …nilivyoahidi kulinda na kuongoza, nakupokeza. Mpeleke afike mahali pa usalama na ujuzi. Mpe anavyohitaji. Mwonyeshe njia (English) …that which I am pledged to guard and guide, I hand over to you. Lead her to a place of safety and learning. Give her that which she needs. Show her the path… EXT. DEEPER IN THE DESERT - DAY Buffy is walking through the shimmering heat. She sees something out of the corner of her eye and turns to look. Nothing. When she looks ahead again there is a MOUNTAIN LION ahead of her. Startled, Buffy freezes. Then she realizes this must be the Guide. She steps forward carefully.
Well. Hello kitty. The mountain lion walks slowly. Buffy follows the cat. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. RECOGNIZABLE DESERT - DAY The mountain lion stops. Buffy looks around. We recognize this stretch of desert from the end of season four.
I know this place… She turns to the mountain lion. But it has vanished. Buffy sits on the ground and waits. INT. XANDER'S APARTMENT - DAY Xander, Anya and Dawn are in the apartment as Tara enters.
Okay. Warning spell's all set.
That's it? We're all protected up for the night?
Well, it's probably not as good as Willow could do. (proudly) You wouldn't believe how quick she picks this stuff up.
She's really smart.
She's more than that. She's a natural with magic. In just the time I've known her, she's already blown right past me.
So when the wiz kid gets back from Chem Lab, you can have her, you know, bulk up the spell a little if you want, maybe while me and Anya go do a quick patrol.
I don't see why we have to patrol just 'cause Buffy's away. I'd rather stay home and watch television. It's often funnier than killing stuff. Over the next couple lines, we stay on Dawn. She is looking at an end table, her back to the window that opens onto the balcony. A pair of Anya's earrings sits on the table. Dawn picks up the earrings, looks around. No one is looking at her and she slips the earrings into her pocket.
Oh yeah, Willow wants to see this thing on the History channel tonight. Salem Witch Trial stuff, which is just gonna get her all upset.
Oh, I was there, they weren't that bad. If you were really a witch you could do a spell to escape, so it was only bad for the falsely accused and they never have a good time. Dawn moves away from the table, rejoining the group.
So guys, if this is a real slumber party, where's the pizza? As Dawn moves away from the window, she is unaware that her movement reveals the new Minion, MURK, STANDING ON THE BALCONY, WATCHING HER. No one sees him. INT. SPIKE'S CRYPT - DAY Spike and the Buffybot are on the floor of the crypt - all the way across the room from where we last saw them. They're naked under a blanket, Buffybot spooned around Spike.
You're evil.
And that excites you?
It excites me. It terrifies me. I try so hard to resist you, and I can't.
Yeah?
Darn your sinister attraction!
For how long? How long have you felt it?
Since the beginning. I always trembled when I heard your voice.
Are you afraid of me?
Yes.
You know I can't bite you.
I think you can. I think you can if I let you. And I want to let you. I want you to bite me and devour me until there's no more. Spike bites gently at her neck.
Like this?
Oh! Spike! Devour me.
All right. Spike turns her in his arms and moves on top of her again.
Spike! I can't help myself! I love you!
You're mine, Buffy.
Should I start this program over?
Shh. No programs. Don't use that word. Just be Buffy. EXT. CAMPUS - NIGHT WILLOW hurries out of a campus building, surrounded by other students. She hands a notebook to one of them.
It's got last week's notes too. Just get it back to me by Thursday. And don't, uh, write in it, or put a coffee mug down on it… or spill… okay. As the student takes off she adds:
Don't fold the page corners! Bye! Willow walks quickly past the corner of the building. From just around the corner, one of the Unnamed Minions watches. INT. SPIKE'S CRYPT - LATER - NIGHT Spike, exhausted, has fallen asleep on his bier. WE PAN across to find Buffybot as she finishes getting dressed. She picks up a stake.
Time to Slay.
Yeah, mmmppphm.
Okay! Vampires beware! Buffybot heads for the door. BLACK OUT.
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| Act Two |
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EXT. DESERT ROAD - NIGHT Giles sits on the hood of (or inside of) his car parked at the side of the road and looks out into the night. EXT. RECOGNIZABLE DESERT - NIGHT Buffy, sitting where we last saw her, hugging herself for warmth. She starts to fall asleep, her head nodding. She jolts herself back awake. EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT XANDER AND ANYA patrol carefully, stakes out, alert. BUFFYBOT Dressed now as before, walks jauntily through the cemetery, humming and twirling her stake in her fingers. She sees Xander and Anya. She trots over to join them, her little flouncy skirt flouncing.
Hey there!
Buffy? ROBOVISION Buffybot's POV of Xander, a robot's internal view-screen, as we saw in "I Was Made to Love You" - it looks like a computer desktop. The image is labeled "Xander" and file icons displayed there are labeled: "Friend," "Carpenter," "Dates Anya."
Xander! And… PAN over to Anya and the label changes to "Anya". Her file icons are labeled: "Dates Xander," "Likes Money," "Ex-Demon".
…Anya! How's your money? BACK TO REGULAR VIEW Xander looks confused, but Anya doesn't notice anything wrong.
Fine! Thank you for asking.
Isn't it a beautiful night for killing evil things?
I guess.
You're back very early.
Yeah, how was the whole vision quest experience?
I don't understand that question, but thank you for asking! You're my friend and a carpenter.
Are you all right? You're all… I'm liking the skirt, by the way… but what happened to the quest? Spike runs up and joins them, out of breath.
Hey there! Wait up!
(delighted) Spike! It's Spike! And he's wearing the coat!
Yes. Um… hallo all. Buffy came back early, I see. Lots of patrolling all 'round tonight then, is it? Buffybot tries to cling to Spike's shoulder. He shrugs her off. Buffybot holds his arm. He winces, miming pain, pulls away.
Ow! Hey! Give a fella a break, Slayer. but I'm glad you're all here, 'cause… 'cause the place is crawling with vamps tonight. Tons of 'em. We really oughta split up.
We haven't seen any vamps… are you sure there's- A TWIG SNAPS. They all look to see a VAMPIRE stepping out from behind a tree. Two other VAMPS flank him.
You were right.
(surprised) Yeah, guess so. The VAMPIRES charge at Buffybot, Spike, Xander and Anya. Buffybot immediately steps in front of Spike, protecting him. One of the vamps lunges at Xander, and they exchange blows as Anya circles around behind the vamp, trying to get into staking position. The other two vampires come at Buffybot and Spike. Spike takes on one of them, and Buffybot the other.
Spike! Be careful! ANOTHER ANGLE reveals that several Minions are watching this. Buffy stakes her vamp, then turns to see Spike, still battling with other one.
No! Get away from him! Anya stakes the vampire who's fighting with Xander. It DUSTS. Buffybot tosses Spike a stake, and he stakes his vamp. It DUSTS.
He fights his own kind 'cause he has no other choice. It's part of his sinister attrac- Spike talks right over her, drowning her out.
(to Xander and Anya) I think that was probably the big action for tonight. You two can toddle on home if you want.
Um… Buffy?
Yes! Spike and I will do it alone. You guys head home. Confused and reluctant, Xander takes Anya's hand and they walk away. Buffybot turns to Spike. She wriggles a little, like her skin's too tight.
Mmmm. I don't understand this. I did the Slaying. I should be…
Satisfied.
But I'm not. I'm all… my skin is all hot. Do I look hot to you?
Always.
You better feel me to make sure.
I can do that. Spike grabs Buffybot, pulls her close to him. Kisses her. EXT. EDGE OF CEMETERY - NIGHT Xander and Anya head home. Xander looks distracted.
Phffft. I breathed in like a quart of vampire dust. That can't be good.
I wish Giles told us they were back from the desert. I wish I knew what went on there.
Oh you know, Slayer-Watcher stuff. Probably some silly ritual with an enchanted prairie dog or something.
Whatever it was, I think she's still a little spacy.
She fought okay.
Yeah… Xander suddenly stops.
She never asked about Dawn.
That's true.
Something's wrong. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT - MINUTES LATER Xander and Anya walking through the cemetery.
I think this is where we were.
I guess she went- They're interrupted by a noise… a GRUNT.
I heard something.
Oh, Spike! Xander motions for Anya to be quiet. He takes her hand and leads her around a tree. His expression freezes in shock. XANDER'S POV Buffybot, straddling Spike, her skirt pooled around them. They don't see Xander and Anya.
You're the Big Bad! You're the Big Bad! XANDER AND ANYA As she bumps into him, then she sees what he sees. Xander looks like he just took a bite of Hell. Anya, however, is intrigued and a little turned on. INT. XANDER'S APARTMENT - LATER - NIGHT Willow and Tara are sitting on the couch, watching the History Channel. Willow looks upset.
(re: the program) Those darn Salem judges! With their less-Satanic-than-thou attitudes…
Oh. Honey. Let me change it. The Discovery channel has koala bears. Xander and Anya burst in.
Where's Dawn? Willow turns off the TV with the remote.
She's in the bedroom. She fell asleep.
Good.
What's going on?
Buffy's gone insane.
What? What did she do?
Brace yourself, you're not gonna believe it.
Everyone, before you jump all over her… people do strange things when someone they love dies. When I lost my mother I did some pretty dumb stuff, lying to my folks and staying out all night-
Buffy's boinking Spike. A beat.
(struggling to understand) Oh. Well, Tara's right, grief can be powerful and we shouldn't judge -
What are you, kidding? She's nuts!
It's not healthy. We're all agreeing there.
What can we do?
In the movies, when someone goes crazy, they slap 'em.
I'm gonna go find her, talk to her. If she's losing it, we need to help her before she gets herself hurt.
You aren't really going to slap her, are you?
No, but if I have to see her straddle Spike again I will definitely knock myself unconscious. Xander exits. EXT. RECOGNIZABLE DESERT - NIGHT Buffy wakes up slowly to find herself lying beside a large blazing fire. She sits up. She looks out, beyond the fire it's still the dark cold empty desert. Slowly she becomes aware of a figure on the other side of the fire, barely visible through the flames. Buffy strains to see who it is.
Hello? Who's there? A wind blows the flames and the figure is made visible, distorted through the waves of heat. It's the first Slayer, the one we know from the end of last season as THE PRIMITIVE. INT. SPIKE'S CRYPT - NIGHT Spike is leaning back, enjoying a cigarette. There is the sound of someone approaching the crypt. Buffybot stands up into frame.
Who's that? Spike stands up, arranging his clothing. He points Buffybot toward the tunnel.
Down there. And no matter what, don't come out 'til I get you, okay?
(cheerful) Okay! Buffybot climbs down into the tunnel as Spike poses casually. Xander enters.
Oh, it's you.
I saw you. In the cemetery, with Buffy.
Yeah? Can't see how it's any business of yours-
It's my business because Buffy is my friend. And she's been through some stuff lately that's… well it's affected her and you're taking advantage of her.
She's upset about her mum, and if she turns to me for comfort… well I'm not gonna deny it to her, I'm not a monster.
Yes! You are a monster. Vampires are monsters! They make monster movies about them!
Well, yeah. Got me there. Xander grabs Spike by the collar, threateningly.
Spike, Buffy has lots of friends and we all love her. We're ready to do whatever it takes to protect her and if it means killing you, then, well, that's just a bonus…
Gentlemen… Spike and Xander look over. Jinx is standing just inside the entrance.
I'm so sorry to intrude, but I wondered if I could beg a minute of your time? Murk and the other Minions file in behind Jinx. Jinx has continued to approach and is quite close to Xander and Spike by now. Xander, confused, lets go of Spike.
(to Xander) Friends of yours? Jinx SLAMS Xander with a powerful blow.
Guess not. Spike SPIN-KICKS Jinx, who is driven back. The other Minions close in around him. Spike lands a few blows, but there are too many of them and they pin his arms to his sides.
Tie his hands. Glory will want him restrained. Xander, recovered, tries to charge the Minions and again one of them sends him flying, to land unconscious behind Spike's bier.
Hey! Let go!
(to Murk) Careful with him. She will want the Key intact.
Key? Who's a Key? I'm not the f- Murk forces a gag into Spike's mouth and they drag him away. BLACK OUT.
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| Act Three |
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EXT. RECOGNIZABLE DESERT - NIGHT Buffy and the Primitive face each other across the fire. The Primitive is only sporadically seen clearly through the heat and flame.
I know you. You're the first Slayer.
This is a form. I am the Guide.
I… um… Okay. I have a question. This Slayer thing. What about… love? Not just boyfriend love-
You think you're losing your ability to love.
I didn't say that. (beat) Yes.
You're afraid that being the Slayer means losing your humanity.
Does it?
You are full of love. You love with all of your soul. It's brighter than the fire, blinding. That's why you pull away from it.
I'm full of love? I'm not losing it?
Only if you reject it. Love is pain and the Slayer forges strength from pain.
Yes. Buffy nods…
Love. Give. Forgive. Risk the pain. It is your nature. Love will bring you to your gift. Buffy stops nodding. She just reached her tolerance for cryptic.
My what? Sorry… It's just, I got a little lost when we got to the gift department…
Love will bring you to your gift.
Yeah, that's what you said, alright. INT. SPIKE'S CRYPT - NIGHT Buffybot climbs up from the tunnel. She doesn't see Xander crumpled behind the bier.
Spike? I waited like you said, but then I missed you! Concerned, she runs out of the crypt. INT. XANDER'S APARTMENT/BALCONY - NIGHT Tara is asleep on the living room floor. Anya sleeps on the sofa. We hear knocking as Willow opens the door.
Xander, what took so- Willow opens the door the rest of the way, to see Buffybot.
Spike's gone. Behind Willow, Anya stirs and mumbles.
Shh. Buffy, it's late. Come in… Willow leads Buffy toward the balcony. As they go, Willow picks up one of the blankets on the floor and wraps it around herself. ON THE BALCONY
We can talk out here. ROBOVISION Buffybot's POV of Willow. Her image is labeled "Willow" and the file icons say "best friend," "gay (1999-present)," "witch," "good with computers."
Did Xander find you? REGULAR VIEW
He was looking for you and he hasn't come back. Anya sat up waiting.
I don't know where Xander is. I didn't see him. And when I came up from the tunnel, Spike was gone! Oh… (finding the name) Willow, I need to find him.
Um… Buffy? This thing with Spike. It isn't true, is it? You didn't really, you know, sleep with Spike.
No. But I had sex with Spike. I'm sorry if it bothers you. You're my best friend.
I am. I always will be, too, no matter what you do. And I'm trying to figure out why this happened. And I think I might have an idea.
You do?
I think maybe, with your mom and everything, everyone was being all sympathetic, making you feel weak. But Spike wasn't like that. So, just one time, you kind of did something crazy-
It wasn't one time. It was lots of times. And lots of different ways. I could make sketches.
No! Buffy. There's something seriously wrong here. I mean, yeah, you've been with a vampire before, but Angel had a soul-
Angel's lame. His hair goes straight up and he's bloody stupid.
O-kay. Look, I just want to help you. Let me help you.
You're my best friend.
Yes, again, I really am. And I think maybe you need to talk to someone about this. A professional-
You're recently gay!
Um… what?
You're also good with computers! (then) That's very nice.
Um-
Guys, guys! Wake up! Buffybot and Willow look into the living room. Xander has entered, turned on the lights. He stands with his hand to his head (where he got hit). Anya gets up and runs to Xander. Tara sits up. Buffybot and Willow come in off the balcony.
Xander! I was scared. Are you hurt? What happened?
Guys. Demon-y kinds of guys. Buffy?
Yes? That's me!
The guys that work for Glory? You said they were kinda like Hobbits with leprosy? Well, this was a whole flock of Hobbits and they grabbed Spike. I think they're taking him to Glory.
But he knows about Dawn!
We have to get him back.
(to Buffybot) So how do we find him? Beat.
I fight with weapons!
Yeah, I got nothing. We'll hit your place, stock up.
Tara, will you stay and watch over Dawny?
Of course.
And don't let her know about… Willow nods over to Buffybot.
Yeah. I plan to skip that subject. EXT. RECOGNIZABLE DESERT - NIGHT Buffy and the Primitive talk across the fire.
What? I'm sorry, but I'm just not getting this. I'm full of love. Which is nice to know. And then… love will lead me to my gift?
Yes.
I'm getting a gift? Or do you mean I have a gift to give to someone else?
Death is your gift.
Death is my gift.
Death is your gift.
Okay. No. Death is not a gift. My mother just died and I know about this. It's not a gift I want and it's not a gift I want to give to anyone else. If I have to kill demons because it helps the world, then I kill demons, but it's not a gift to anybody.
Your question has been answered. The Primitive and the fire DISAPPEAR. Buffy stands alone in the middle of the big cold desert. INT. GLORY'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - DAY (DAY 3) Early morning. Murk and Jinx drag Spike into Glory's bedroom. Spike's hands are tied behind him, but his gag is gone now.
What the Hell is that and why is its hair that color?
Stunning One, we believe he is… Murk and Jinx exchange a delighted look.
(proudly) The Key!
(fake glee) Really? That's fantabulous! And impossible! (then) He can't be the Key. Because, see, the Key has to be pure. This is a Vampire. Lesson number one, Vampires equal impure!
Damn right I'm impure, I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow! Let me go!
(to Jinx) Can't even brain-suck a vampire. He's completely useless.
So, I'm just gonna let myself out… Spike turns to go, but Murk pulls him back roughly.
But, Your Unholiness, we observed the Slayer. She protected this one above all others. She treated him as precious.
Really? Precious? She comes over to Spike.
Let's take a peek at you, "Precious." She bends in close to take a look at him.
Sod off. GLORY BACKHANDS SPIKE ACROSS THE ROOM, WHERE HE MAKES A NICE DENT IN THE WALL. PLASTER FALLS. She goes over to him where he landed. She looks at his eyes, behind his ears, pulls down his lower lip and looks inside it, inspecting him like an animal.
He doesn't look very fancy to me.
(lip still held) Hey. Easy with the lip. She lets go of his lip, letting it snap back.
But if the Slayer protects him, maybe appearances are deceiving. She picks up Spike and THROWS HIM EFFORTLESSLY onto her bed. She jumps up and straddles him, just like Buffybot did earlier on his bier. She has one hand at his throat and the other poised, finger pointed, over his chest.
Maybe there's something on the inside. She DRIVES HER FINGER INTO SPIKE'S CHEST. He HOWLS with pain.
What do you know, Precious? What can I dig out of you? INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY Xander, Willow, Anya and the Buffybot are entering through the front door, heading into the living room. Buffybot looks around.
I live here!
If we're going to stop Spike from blabbing about Dawn, we're going to need these. Xander has opened a chest or cabinet in the living room and is pulling out Buffy's largest weapons… axes and crossbows.
Wow. The big guns. Only not guns. (then) Shouldn't we have guns?
Those are my weapons. Give me something big and sharp.
Buffy? Where should we go? Where Should we look for Glory? Everyone looks at Buffybot.
She's a God! She wants the Key!
Yeah. So we should look…?
I don't know! Why are you all looking at me?
Okay, Buff, it's okay. You're right. You shouldn't have to know everything.
We need to rescue Spike!
Um… Buffy? I think you have more weapons upstairs. You could go get those…
And maybe change your clothes? You know, something more… fighty!
I can do that! I'll be right back. Buffybot exits.
Okay. This has gone way too far. She thinks we're going to rescue Spike!
Well, what are we going to do?
Find him. Stop him from talking. Whatever it takes.
And what do we do with Glory?
Whatever we do, we're going to need Buffy's help.
Then we're gonna have to talk to her.
Intervention time again?
Yeah. 'Cause what we need right now is a sane Buffy. Buffy enters and is startled to see all her friends assembled in her living room.
Whoa. Group play time.
That was quick.
Didn't seem like it to me. Death is my gift. Pffah! The others exchange looks, now Buffy isn't even making sense.
Buffy. We have to talk.
What happened? Is Dawn okay?
She's fine.
Buffy, we care about you. And we're worried about you. The way you're acting, the things you're doing…
It's wrong.
Wait. This shouldn't be about blame.
Blame? There's blame now?
No, there's only love. And some fear.
We're just kinda thrown by the, you having sex with Spike.
The who whatting how with huh?
Okay that's denial. That comes before anger.
I am not having sex with Spike!
Anger.
No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled-
I am not having sex with Spike, but I'm starting to think you are.
Buffy. I saw you. Anya too. We saw you and Spike. With the straddling. Buffybot enters, having changed into another flouncy-skirt outfit and carrying a huge battle-ax.
Spike is mine! Who's straddling Spike? Everyone turns to stare at Buffybot.
Oh my God.
And so say all of us.
Say, look at you! You look like me! (confidentially) We're very pretty.
Two of them!
Hey! I know this! They're both Buffy!
No. That's a robot. She acts just like that girlfriend-bot that Warren guy made! You couldn't tell me apart from a robot?!
(mildly skeptical) Oh, I don't think I'm a robot.
She's very well done.
We did have a reason to think you might be a little not-yourself, because of the grief.
(hurt) I get it. Fine. Robot. Fine.
Spike must have had her built so he could program her to…
(genuine horror) Oh God.
Yikes. Imagine the things-
No! Stop imagining! All of you!
(raising hand) Already got the visual.
People! Friends of mine! You're forgetting the important thing! Glory has Spike and she's going to harm him! Buffy freezes and looks at Buffybot.
Glory has Spike?
We were gonna bring that up.
We were getting weapons.
Grab 'em. We're going now. I have to kill him.
We figured, any way we could stop him from talking…
No. I have to kill him.
But we don't even know where to look. Buffy thinks, then…
I know where to start. 26 AND 27 OMITTED INT. GLORY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY Out in the living room now. Glory has been torturing Spike for a while now. He's shirtless and tied the same way Orlando was, suspended from a chain tied around his wrists. His feet are chained together too, the chain looped through a metal bolt on the floor. He looks beaten and bloody and cut. His head hangs forward loosely. Glory grabs him by his hair, pulls his head back roughly. Now we see that she has a knife at his throat.
I have a riddle for you, Precious. How is a vampire that won't talk like an apple? She brings the knife down to his chest, and peels away the skin, leaving a patch of exposed red flesh. Spike's muscles go rigid with pain.
Think I can do you in one long strip?
Enough. No more. I'll tell you who the soddin' Key is. BLACK OUT.
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| Act Four |
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EXT. PARK - DAY Buffy, Buffybot, Xander, Willow, Anya and Giles are gathered in the park. They're armed with large bladed weapons or with bows. Buffy carries an especially lethal-looking crossbow.
Okay, Glory's Key-sniffing snake was about here when I killed it, and it was headed back to her.
So you think she lives near here?
That's not a lot to go on.
It's all we have. Giles is looking at the Buffybot.
Quite extraordinary, really.
Thank you, but I think we should be listening to the other Buffy, (with a hard 'G') Giles. She's very smart and she's going to save Spike!
(hard 'G') "Giles"? Spike didn't even bother to program my name properly?!
Listen, skirt-girl, we're not going to "save" him, we're going to "kill" him. He knows who the Key is and there's no way he's not telling Glory.
You're right. He's evil. Killing him is the only way. We're the Slayer and that's what we do. (then) But you should see him naked. I mean, really. Can we save him now, please? Buffy turns away from Buffybot, disgusted.
(to the group) Split up, spread out. Check out the priciest-looking places first. Xander, come with me. Willow and Anya, go together. And- (pronounces it with a hard 'G') Giles, dyeh… (pronounces it right) Giles, you can watch… it. INT. GLORY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY Spike is still chained up. He's more cut and bruised than last time. Someone is holding a glass of water to his lips and he's drinking from it.
Good. Because I'm tired of these games! On "games" she SMASHES THE GLASS forward into his face. It SHATTERS and cuts him.
"I need time," "I need a drink." You're a very needy little bloodsucker and it's not very attractive. Also not attractive: all the blood. So start talking!
Yeah, okay. The Key. Well, here's the thing… Spike is surreptitiously working on the chains that tie his hands. Trying to twist his hands through.
It's that guy. On TV. What's his name?
On the television?
On that show, the Price show, where they guess what stuff costs-- Spike looks quickly behind him, toward the front door.
The Price is Right?
Bob Barker.
We will get Bob Barker! We will bring you the limp and beaten body of Bob Barker! Glory spins and looks at her minions with narrowed eyes. They cringe.
It's not Bob Barker, you scabby morons! The Key is new to this world and Bob Barker is as old as grit. Glory gets in Spike's face again.
The vampire is lying to me! Spike laughs, a thin and bitter chuckle. CLOSE ON: His hands, as he continues to work on the chains.
Yeah, but it was fun. And guess what, bitch? I'm not telling you jack. You're never gonna get your sodding Key because you might be strong, but in our world, you're an idiot-
Stop it! I am a God.
The God of What? Bad home perms? CLOSE ON: Glory, getting more and more angry.
Shut up! I command you shut up!
Yeah, okay. I mean, sorry, but I just had no idea Gods were such prancing lightweights. Spike glances back at the door again, shifts his body very slightly, trying to line it up with the door.
Mark my words, the Slayer is going to kick your skanky lop-sided ass back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion victim ex-God like you. Glory HITS Spike so hard THE CHAINS BREAK and he flies THROUGH the front door of her apartment. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE GLORY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS - DAY Spike lands in the hallway in a crash of wood splinters. His hands and feet are free.
(in pain) Good plan, Spike. Fabulous bloody plan. INT. GLORY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS - DAY Back in the apartment, Glory is looking blankly at the empty dangling chains. Jinx steps up next to her.
Bring him back. EXT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE GLORY'S APARTMENT - DAY Jinx pushes his way through the broken door into the hallway. He calls back to the other minions.
Here! Spike hauls himself to his feet and lunges down the hallway toward an OPEN ELEVATOR. Seeing this, the Minions, including Murk, make their way into the hall, rushing towards Spike as the elevator doors START CLOSING… Spike makes it to the elevator - a second too late, crashing into closed doors. He slumps to his knees against the doors.
Oh, God. On his knees, with his last strength, he wrenches open the elevator doors and falls forward. He tumbles into… INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT - DAY Spike falls a floor and a half onto the top of the descending elevator, and lands on his back, broken, half-conscious, staring up at the faces of the Minions who are looking down the shaft at him, getting smaller as he rides away from them. Spike feels something under his back. He looks… the trapdoor down into the elevator. He shifts, pulls it open and allows himself to slide/fall headfirst down into the elevator. INT. ELEVATOR/LOBBY - DAY Spike falls through the trapdoor and lands on the floor of the descending elevator with a THUD. The elevator DINGS and stops moving. Spike staggers to his feet. The doors open, revealing the lobby. All five Minions are there, led by Jinx and Murk, the last Minion still coming through a door marked "Stairs." Spike braces himself.
You do not insult Glory by escaping! Buffy and Xander enter the lobby from outside. Buffy has her crossbow, Xander has an axe. The Minions see them and freeze, alarmed.
Slayer! Spike, saved, drops his last defenses. He collapses onto the floor of the elevator. A minion (1) charges Xander. Xander blocks him with his axe-handle. Buffy shoots Minion (1) with her crossbow as he struggles with Xander. The Minion falls dead. Another Minion (2) attacks Buffy from behind, and knocks her crossbow away. Buffy engages him in fist-fighting, knocking him back. Xander is swinging his axe, keeping another Minion (3) and Jinx at bay. Giles and Buffybot enter, running! Giles carries a bow.
Buffy! We're here! Giles immediately runs to help Xander, pulling Jinx off him and battling him himself
Spike! Spike's in there! Buffy knocks out her Minion (2) and is immediately beset by Murk. He keeps her busy, raining down blows she blocks… Buffybot makes a run for the elevator, but before she gets there… Giles in trouble. Jinx has taken his crossbow and is using it to crush Giles against the wall… bow pressed lengthwise across the Watcher's throat.
Buffy! Both Buffy and Buffybot respond to their name. Buffy shoves Murk away from her, leaving him exhausted from the fight. Buffy and Buffybot hurry over to Giles. They work together to pull Jinx off him. Jinx strikes out with the bow, using it as a club. It hits Buffybot. She is thrown back against a wall. A SPARKING EFFECT, BLUE FIRE, COURSES OVER HER and she slumps against the wall. Xander knocks out his Minion (3) with a huge punch. Buffy wheels to attack Jinx, but he's gone. Murk and Jinx flee, running for the stairway door. (to summarize: Minion 1 is dead, Minions 2 & 3 are unconscious on the floor. Jinx and Murk got away.) INT. GLORY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - MINUTES LATER - DAY Jinx and Murk, panting and beat-up, report to Glory. She moves closer and closer to them as they talk.
The Slayer was there!
A lethal fighter!
She seemed to be everywhere at once!
She had friends with many weapons!
They may have been demons. Glory is very close to them by now.
(calmly) And where is my vampire? INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE GLORY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS - DAY There is a beat of silence. Then there are the terrible (o.s.) sounds of JINX'S and MURK'S SCREAMS. INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY Willow has the damaged and non-functional Buffybot open (a panel in the small of her back), and is working on the damage, with Tara at her side handing her tools as she needs them. Anya and Dawn are sitting at the table. Buffy stands. Buffy goes over to the Buffybot, looks at her face-to-face.
Is it weird?
Oh yeah. At least it's not a very good copy. I mean, look at it. Willow and Tara exchange a look. It's a perfect copy.
Uh… yeah. Xander and Giles enter.
(to Giles and Xander) What did you do with Spike? And please let the story have a dusty ending.
We dumped him back in his crypt.
We tried to find out if he told her about… anything… He was too badly beaten to make any sense.
But you found out something, right? Now you know where Glory lives.
We know where she lived. She's gotta be long gone by now. Did he tell Glory -
We don't know. He was barely conscious.
If he told her he'd just lie to us about it anyway, right?
Oh, you can count on that. But we gotta know. Now. If he did give us up, Dawn and I are gonna have to get out of town, or… I mean, she could be on her way. Dawn looks scared. Giles sees this.
(to Dawn) But there's no need to worry. I'm sure we're all perfectly safe.
(sarcastic) We're safe. Right. And Spike built a robot Buffy to play checkers with. Uncomfy beat.
It sounded convincing when I thought it… Willow looks up from her work.
Hey! I think I found something. Anya looks over Willow's shoulder.
Bleah. It's very complicated in there. Personally, I'd rather look at guts.
I found where she's broken. There's some wiring that got fried extra crispy. That's an easy fix - I mean, not that I would.
God, I feel kinda bad for the guy. Gets all whupped, then his best toy gets taken away…
Xander, please don't be suggesting what I'd have to kill you for suggesting.
No, no! Travesty! Completely on board. It's just… guy was so thrashed… just not his day. Buffy is silent. Xander's words sinking in. INT. SPIKE'S CRYPT - DAY Spike lies on his bier. Buffybot, in the same outfit we last saw her in, enters and goes to him. She's startled by how horrible he looks. One eye is swollen shut and he's lividly bruised.
Spike! You're covered in sexy wounds! He sits up painfully, swinging his legs over the side and facing her.
Yeah, they feel real sexy. Where ya been?
I fell down and got confused but Willow fixed me. She's gay! And then I felt the pull of your sinister attraction. Buffybot pets his head and he flinches in pain.
I'll nurse you back to health. I'll wear the nurse outfit!
Will fixed you? I'd a thought they'd melt you into scrap.
They were confused, too. Do you want to ravage me?
Give us a minute. I got some bones need mending.
Why did you let that Glory hurt you?
She wanted to know who the Key was.
I can tell her! Then you won't -
No! She stops. He coughs, very painfully.
You can't ever… Glory never finds out. Full stop.
Why?
Buffy - the other… the not-as-pleasant Buffy. Something happened to Dawn it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her being in that much pain. I'd let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did. She thinks about that. Then she leans in and kisses him on the mouth, gently and sweetly. After a moment, he pulls back, startled. There is a long beat as Spike realizes the several ramifications of what has happened. Finally he asks…
And my robot? At that moment we realize that this is Buffy. She stays close.
The robot is gone. The robot was gross and obscene. Spike looks down, ashamed. He really never meant for Buffy to know about the Buffybot.
It wasn't supposed to be -
Don't. That thing… it's not even real. She starts to go. Stops at the door. Not sure how to say it, not even looking back:
What you did for me, and Dawn, that was real. (turns to him) And I'll never forget it. She goes. He is speechless. BLACK OUT.
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