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Flooded August 21, 2001 (Blue) Written by: Douglas Petrie & Jane Espenson |
| Teaser |
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INT. N.D. SPACE - DAY BUFFY moves forward alone in a dark and creepy space -- we can't tell where she is. Shmucky the bait. She cautiously approaches some unseen menace. We hear ominous GROANING and DRIPPING SOUNDS. Buffy slows, stops. Eyes her unseen opponent.
So, we meet at last, Mister Drippy. WIDER SHOT REVEALS that we are in Buffy's BASEMENT. A leaking, groaning WATER PIPE drips in the foreground. Buffy holds up a WRENCH. DAWN comes down the stairs, sits, watches. Buffy tightens the pipe with a few Slayer-strong twists.-
Want me to call a plumber?
No.
You sure?
Yes.
(holds up phone) Got the number.
Dawn - I'm on it, okay? Buffy twists the pipe shut with one final TWIST and the leaking STOPS. Beat. Then EVERY OTHER PIPE BEHIND HER BURSTS OPEN, spewing water in a dozen different directions at once. Including Dawn's direction. Dawn, getting soaked, SHRIEKS and RUNS up the stairs. Buffy just stands there, not looking back at the spewing waters, closes her eyes and SIGHS:
There. All better. BLACK OUT.
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| Act One |
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INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN DAY WILLOW and TARA sit at the kitchen table as Buffy stands by the sink. Dawn (in dry clothes) is looking down the cellar door into the basement.
Man, how much water can they fit in one set of pipes?
If I understand it right? The entire city water supply.
It's like clown cars in the circus.
Told you we should have called a plumber.
You were right. The plumber will make everything good. Buffy turns on the kitchen sink water faucet. Stares at the stream of water pouring out of it.
Dawnie. You're not eating breakfast? Dawn shrugs, "nah."
(a little spaced) But breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It's unbelievably important. Dawn, you should eat breakfast three times a day. Buffy's become transfixed by the faucet's water stream. The others watch her. Willow shuts the water off. Breaking the spell. Dawn tries for normal:
I'll, um, grab something before school. The cellar door opens and XANDER emerges with his friend TITO, the plumber.
And a big Sunnydale round of applause for Tito the amazing. Plumber extraordinaire.
So how's it looking down there?
Like we should start gathering up two of every animal.
Basically, your pipes are shot. I mean, the whole system's gonna have to be replaced. You need the full copper re-pipe down there.
Full copper re-pipe? That sounds potentially pricey.
If you have any questions, our number's on the invoice. He hands Buffy the bill. Leaves. Dawn peers over Buffy's shoulder at the bill.
That's a weird phone number. Wait - is that the bill?
Hey, Tito cut you a good deal down there. Those are his bargain prices. I did a little haggling for you.
Thank you. So? We'll pay him, what's the big deal. The others exchange looks.
Uh, Buffy, I know you're still getting back on your feet after ...
Lying flat on my back? Buffy's aplomb gives everyone a second's pause, then:
Yeah. But there's Some money stuff we have to talk to you about. INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY Buffy sits at the coffee table. Going through a HUGE PILE OF BILLS, flipping them onto the table when she's done glancing at them, one after another. She LAUGHS.
So, okay, you're telling me I'm broke? The others, including ANYA, watch Buffy, a little concerned.
Not yet, but ...
Money's definitely becoming an issue.
As in, your being almost out of it.
But, I haven't spent any money. I was all dead and frugal.
I know, this comes as a bit of a shock after ... a bit of a shock, but it caught us by surprise, too.
Your Mom prepared everything really well. She had insurance. (awkward) Life insurance.
Which should have left you covered, but - hospital bills.
They pretty much sucked up all the money.
Which you're still hemorrhaging, by the way.
How'd I do that?
Not you. The house. See, this house, just sitting here, doing nothing, in itself costs money.
So, what do we do?
Easy. We burn the house to the ground, collect the insurance. Plus, fire? Pretty. No one laughs. Dawn withdraws just a bit. Buffy sees it.
I'm kidding. Guys. It's bills. It's money. It's scraps of paper sent by bureaucrats we've never even met, okay? Not the end of the world. (beat) which is too bad, cause that, I'm really good at.
(indicating Dawn) Buffy ...
(to Dawn) I'll take care of this. I promise. I just don't know how yet.
I know how. All eyes turn to Anya.
If you want to pay every bill here, every bill that's coming, and have enough left over to start a nice college fund for Dawn? (pause for effect) Start charging.
For what?
Slaying vampires! You provide a valuable service to the whole community. I say, cash in. Anya rides out an awkward beat as everyone reacts.
Well, that's an idea... you would have. Any other suggestions?
It's not so crazy.
Yes it is! You can't charge innocent people for saving their lives.
Spider Man does.
He does not!
Does too.
Does n ... (catching herself) Xander?
(reluctantly) Action is his reward.
Why are you never on my side? She gets up and leaves.
What are you talking about? Not on your side? Anya! I am your side! He follows her out. Buffy just watches them go. Willow turns to her.
You're throwing away a gold mine. EXT. STREET - DAY Anya, her pride wounded, strides along in angry silence. Xander hurries beside her, trying to peer into her face, looking for a break in the storm clouds.
Anya, come on! Wait up. What's wrong with you?
Why don't you ask your best friend Spider Man? You know, if you're not going to support me --
I'm supportive! I'm totally supportive! I'm a flying buttress of support!
No you're not.
This is because I haven't told-them about our engagement yet. Isn't it?
No. Maybe. Yes! It's painful and confusing. First you buy me this beautiful ring and then I can't even wear it in public. She digs into her pocket, pulls out her RING.
You know how depressing that is?
Anya, I promise, your waiting days are almost over. I know it's frustrating, but the way I understand this marriage thing? It's kind of a forever deal.
Not if you never get started. Don't you want to get married?
Yes.
So why won't you tell them?
Because. I'm still getting used to the miracle of a steady paycheck. Getting out of my parents' house. This? The husband thing? It's a big step. or, maybe a lot of little ones. And I love you so much, I want to get each one just right. This stops Anya cold. She eyes him suspiciously, wanting to believe ...
Really? Xander nods. Anya, feeling better, lets him put his arms around her. They kiss. It grows in passion and intimacy until Anya suddenly PULLS BACK.
Hey! You tricked me! Just now, with your fancy talk and lips! You keep doing this, I keep forgetting, and you keep stalling!
Anya-
When are you going to grow up, Xander? She storms off, leaving Xander alone and speechless.
There's a first time for everything, is my philosophy. INT. SUNNYDALE SECURITIES BANK - DAY Buffy, dressed all grown-up in a blazer, blouse, and prim narrow skirt, hair up in a conservative bun, sits waiting at a loan officer's desk. She practices her "upbeat" approach. We cut these moments together, "Erin Brokovich" style.
This is my first big loan. (then) Collateral? No problem. (then) No problem. (then) Love the tie. (then) I'm a problem solver. (then) Let's.crunch those numbers! (re: herself) Stupid skirt. As she scootches the skirt out from under her, MR. SAVITSKY sits across from Buffy, startling her. The placard on the man's desk reads "Mr. Savitsky, Loan officer."
Hi.
Sorry to keep you waiting. I'm Carl Savitsky. Loan Officer.
Buffy Summers. Loan Applier-for. She smiles. He nods. Awkward beat. Buffy lays a thick file of papers on his desk.
I didn't know what you'd need to see exactly, so I brought in everything. I'm very responsible that way. Mr. Savitsky nods, smiles comfortingly.
Okay. I don't think I'll need this ... or these... old report cards, definitely not... He hands her back most of the papers. Examines others.
Um, so... about my getting a loan... ?
Yes. Well, what we've got here is, financially, a bit of a tangle.
I know. And I figured you could just cut through that tangle with scissors. (gestures snipping) Where the loan is the scissors. She looks at him hopefully, smiles. But he's all business.
Ms. Summers, the only collateral you have is your house, which was never fully leveraged, and has been losing equity over the last several years. For some reason, Sunnydale property values have never been competitive, and re-financing's out of the question... As he goes on, we hold on Buffy's face, taking in the bad news as it just keeps coming. All she can do is try to hide her growing horror.
Are you saying you won't give me a loan?
Well the problem is, you have no income. No job... They just stare at one another. Buffy sits, silently crushed. And all of a sudden a SECURITY GUARD'S BODY comes crashing through a teller's window, sending GLASS SPRAYING as he lands with a painful THUD on Mr. Savitsky's desk, rolls off and falls to the floor. Buffy leaps to her feet, whirls to see: A GIANT M'FASHNIK DEMON stands in the center of the bank, ROARING.
(resigned) No job. I wish. BLACK OUT.
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| Act Two |
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INT. SUNNYDALE SECURITIES BANK - DAY Where we left off. Chaos. BANK CUSTOMERS, seeing the demon, run from him in any direction available. The demon PICKS UP a BANK CUSTOMER and THROWS him.
Hey! The demon whips around to find himself facing the Slayer.
Are you in the wrong line? That's for deposits, that's for withdrawals, and this is for getting kicked in the face. She prepares to KICK the Demon - but she can't. Instead, she just kind of wiggles. And realizes her legs are stuck, immobilized by the tight skirt.
Stupid skirt. WHAM! The Demon BACKHANDS Buffy so hard she gets lifted off her feet and CRASHES painfully onto Mr. Savitsky's desk. Buffy grabs his letter opener as the Demon comes RAGING toward her.
May I? As the Demon rushes upon her, Buffy hops off the desk, and SLITS an opening down the side of her skirt with the letter opener. Her legs are free. The Demon lunges for her. Buffy roundhouse KICKS him in the head, three times in rapid succession, sending him staggering back. Buffy races to him to continue the battle - then STOPS. Turns, and neatly places the letter opener back in its holder.
Thanks so much. She rushes back into battle, exchanges blows with the Demon. And as they fight, we see: BEHIND THE TELLER COUNTER - the bank's money drawers are being EMPTIED. Quickly and professionally. Stacks of hundreds and twenties get tossed into duffel bags. We don't see by whom. Just (three sets of) GLOVED HUMAN HANDS. BACK OUT IN THE MAIN PART OF THE BANK: The demon grabs Buffy in a crushing bear-hug, lifting her off her feet. Buffy struggles in his grasp. Then... BANG! A GUNSHOT is fired. Both Buffy and the Demon turn to see: A BANK GUARD, young and nervous, shakily holds his gun, having just fired the first live round in his life.
P-put the girl down. The Demon HURLS Buffy at the young Guard. She crashes into him, they both fall to the ground. Buffy gets up off him, taking his gun.
These? Never helpful. She tosses the gun away, out of frame. BANG! It goes off again, making everyone duck. Buffy greets the Demon head-on with a volley of good solid PUNCHES, the last one sending the Demon across the room. He recovers quickly though, heads for the exit ... Horrified customers and tellers watch him go. Buffy tries to follow, but too many customers get in the way. She sees the Demon is gone. The bank goes quiet. All eyes on Buffy. Buffy returns to Mr. Savitsky, who stands at his desk, in shock.
(a bit more confident) Now, about my loan... I'm not saying I'm charging you for saving your life or anything. But let's talk rates. Mr. Savitsky looks at her, dumbly. EXT. MAGIC BOX - NIGHT Establishing. We hear:
He still turned you down?! That's crazy! INT. MAGIC BOX - TRAINING ROOM - NIGHT Buffy trains, punching the heavy bag while she and Willow talk.
I mean, okay, even if the bank was robbed -- which you battling demons couldn't possibly know -- you'd think there'd be some kind of reward. Buffy keeps hitting the bag, harder and faster, as Willow continues to talk ...
But no, they're like, "We only give you money if you prove you don't need it." What kind of system is that?
You're asking the wrong gal. Buffy, intense, spins and KICKS the bag hard, three quick shots in succession. Willow watches. Realizes:
(happily) Hey. Buffy, you're mad.
You noticed. Willow nods.
It'll pass. She starts back on the bag when Willow interrupts:
No! I mean, anger is a big, powerful emotion you should feel.
Oh, well, that's good then. (beat) It's gone now.
Okay - let me make you mad again. Ready? Um, um ... (bingo) Last semester? I slept with Riley. She raises her eyebrows hopefully. Buffy just stares at her incredulously.
And you know I really doubt it.
Caught me. Big fib. (inspired) ... To cover up my sleazy affair with Angel.
Will, what the hell are you doing?
Pissing you off.
Yes. True. Why?
'Cause, you know, since you got back, you haven't exactly been ... big with the whole range of human emotions thing.
What do you mean? Beat. Buffy just stares, waiting ... Willow squirms. Then, suddenly:
Well, you haven't really... no, I mean it's just, um ... You know this is really my problem. I'm all over the place and, forget I even said anything cause, cause, 'cause you know... Banks, man. Willow shakes her head and looks to Buffy for agreement on the banks issue. Buffy just goes back to punching the bag, methodically.
Don't be such a wiener dog. INT. MAGIC BOX - FRONT ROOM - NIGHT Anya and Xander are near the table by the counter. In the b.g. Tara and Dawn are visible near the front door of the shop, looking through some books from a shelf over there. Anya and Xander make a pile of books to be consulted as they talk in animated almost-whispers.
Look at them, researching demons for the billionth time. They need a peppy boost of happy news.
(stands) You're right. I'll tell them. (sits) Soon as Buffy and Willow come in.
Chicken.
Would you stop?
Dare you.
Anya, if I tell them we're engaged right after you dared me to ... wouldn't you always wonder if that's the only reason I did it?
Oh.
Score one for Captain Logic.
No, no. Captain Logic is not steering this tugboat. I smell Captain Fear at the wheel! God, I hate this. This tone in my voice? I dislike it more than you do, and I'm-closer to it! Tara and Dawn join them, setting big BOOKS down on the table.
Oh come on, Tara. I am so old enough to do research. Do you really think I'm not mature enough?
I think you're way mature for your age, but you're still only fifteen.
Right, fif-teen. As in "teenager." You know if you don't let me look at the pictures, I'm gonna learn everything I know about demons on the street. Dawn waits. Tara sighs - hands her the book.
Knock yourself out.
Thank you. See? No biggie. I can totally handle it. Looking at one of the books, she's instantly curious.
That's a weird place for a horn. And then she gently closes the book.
(quietly:) That's not a horn. Then, re-considering, she slides it back to look again.
I still don't get it. I mean, what kind of demon robs a bank?
The kind that wants money.
What do you even call that?
This. They all look at her. She holds up another book, proudly. Points to a drawing of our demon.
I'm guessing on how you say it. It's got an apostrophe. I think it's Mmm...Fashnik. Like "Mmm, cookies."
Or maybe "MuhFashnik" like "Muh... Fashnik." Buffy and Willow enter from the back room. Dawn shows Buffy the book.
This your guy?
(to Dawn) You do research now? You want a cappuccino, maybe a pack of cigarettes to go with that?
Would you just look at the picture? Buffy looks at the book.
Doesn't exactly fit the profile of your typical bank robber.
Maybe they turned down his loan application. (beat) That's him. Big, bad ... this thing was strong, guys. No weapons I could see but ... Buffy keeps talking, but her mouth is now on auto-pilot. She's looking at something the others aren't seeing, her words dribbling out.
... still ... real ... dangerous ... Reverse to reveal what Buffy's looking at: GILES. Standing in the doorway, locked frozen in eye contact with Buffy. Long pause. Giles goes straight to Buffy. They hug. The others let Buffy and Giles have their moment. She holds him tight.
My God, Buffy. You're alive. You're here. And you're still ... (strained) Remarkably strong.
Huh? Oh. Sorry. She backs off. Then hugs him again, just as tight.
Willow told me, but I didn't really let myself believe ...
I take some getting used to. I'm still getting used to me.
It's ... you're a ...
A miracle?
Yes. But then, I've always thought so. EXT. STREET - NIGHT The M'FASHNIK DEMON moves forward relentlessly, his eyes searching, angry ... INT. MAGIC BOX - TRAINING ROOM - NIGHT Giles and Buffy alone.
So ... They just look at each other, smile. Then-
I can start. How was England? (beat) How was life?
I'm not sure how to answer that. I arrived home. Met with the council.
Tons of fun.
(nods) Other than that, there wasn't much to report. I keep a flat in Bath. Saw a few old friends and almost made a new one, which I believe is statistically impossible for a man my age.
And now you're back.
Yes.
Wow. Giles, are you miserable about it, or just really British?
I can't lie to you, Buffy. It was difficult leaving Sunnydale. And coming back was...
I'm guessing the word is "inconvenient."
You know that doesn't matter. That gets through to her. Buffy holds Giles's gaze, until:
And how are you? Really. You look tired.
Me? Nah. Fine. (then) I mean, yeah, sleeping's hard, but just because of that whole waking up in a box thing. So maybe it's waking up that's the problem. But only for a second. I sleep okay. Great even, except, you know ... for the dreams ... She trails off, looks away, haunted. Giles gently reaches out to put his hands on her shoulders.
You seem to be doing remarkably well under extreme circumstances. I'm proud of you.
Well, actually, it wasn't me. Willow brought me back. I just lay there.
Yes. I only meant-
I know what you meant. Just a little post post-mortem comedy... (then) Better start prepping. The slayage. She prepares to resume her workout on the bag.
There is always that, isn't there?
Seems that way. INT. MAGIC BOX - FRONT ROOM - NIGHT Giles re-enters the Magic Box main room.
Giles! God, we are so glad to see you. We missed you. You can't have the store back.
I know.
You signed papers.
I did, and do we have information on this Demon I suddenly find so desperately interesting?
That we do.
This one robs banks.
I found him.
(examining book) M'Fashnik. Oh.
Aha! Like Mmm Cookies.
No, quite different, actually.
You know it?
By reputation. It comes from a long line of mercenary demons, known to perform acts of mayhem and slaughter for the highest bidder.
Well it is the American way.
Mmm. But now the question becomes: what's out there powerful enough to control one of these things? INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR - NIGHT BOOM! A bunch of new electronics equipment boxes are knocked aside revealing the angry M'Fashnik demon who stands looming in the cellar doorway.
We had a deal. You got what you wanted. Now give me what I want. The head of the Slayer. We see he's talking to: ANDREW, JONATHAN and WARREN. They're in beanbag chairs in front of TV, counting MONEY. They look up, startled. (Note: The lair at this point is fairly bare. It's clearly a large basement with cinderblock-and-board shelving and a small fridge. The TV has clearly just been purchased... its empty box stands nearby. The bank-robbery duffel bags, spilling with cash, are also visible.) Andrew, Warren and Jonathan a1l look at each other, then look back at the Demon, a little terrified.
Okay.
Sure.
We can do that. BLACK OUT.
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| Act Three |
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INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR - CONTINUING - NIGHT Where we left off: on an angry Demon, confronting the terrified trio of Andrew, Warren and Jonathan. As he talks, the Demon wanders around their lair, looking things over, touching things, sizing it all up like he owns the place.
You hired me to create carnage and chaos for you. You told me you were powerful men, commanding machines, magicks and the demon realms below.
We are.
Yuh-huh.
We're like, Super Villains. They all laugh their super villain laughs. It needs work.
Which of you is leader?
I am.
I will kill your leader.
He is.
I will kill you all.
Wait - no fair! It's not our fault the Slayer was there. We said we'd pay you, and we're gonna. Beat. Warren immediately gets to his knees, bowing...
Yes! Truly, Lord Jonathan is wisest of us all.
Uh, yeah, long live our noble Lord and Master.
Oh, you guys suck. Hkkk! The demon SMASHES a wad of bills out of Jonathanis hand, grabs him by the neck, and LIFTS. Jonathan's feet dangle.
You cannot pay me with paper, tiny king. For pitting me against the Slayer, I must kill you. Andrew and Warren snicker, exchange grins and a little "thumbs up."
Then suck dry your bones and use them to beat your subjects to death. Andrew and Warren jump to their feet.
Whoa, big guy, let's back things up a parsec. Now, if you kill us? Everybody loses. But - let us live, we give you ...
Give me what?
(choking) Name it. The Demon considers, eyeing the wiggling Jonathan suspiciously. He suddenly DROPS him to the ground.
Between the three of us, we can do pretty much anything.
Like, you want a spell to make you look super-cool to the other demons? I'm all over that action, my friend.
Or? Just throwing it out there- robot girlfriend. Huh? For those long, lonely nights after a hard day's slaughter?
(interested) You can do this?
Don't trust him. Robo-pimp daddy's all mouth.
Shut up, Andrew! You're just mad I wouldn't build you Christina Ricci!
You owe me, man.
Or else what? You'll train another pack of devil-dogs to ruin my prom? Graduated.
That wasn't me! How many times do I have to say it? The prom thing was my lame-o brother, Tucker.
Yeah, well tell him I was at that prom.
Hello! Screen-wipe - new scene. I had nothing to do with the devildogs! I trained flying monkey-demons to attack the school play! School play, dude!
That was cool.
Yeah, everyone was like all, "Run, Juliet!" They all laugh their dorky laughs again. The M'Fashnik Demon stops it abruptly by ROARING in their faces:
ENOUGH!!! They're instantly silent.
Nothing you offer will satisfy your debt to me. I do not want toys or spells or flying monkey-demons. (beat) I want the Slayer dead. Beat.
Okay.
Done.
One dead Slayer, coming up. Um, could you just give us a minute?
(suspicious) For what?
We just wanna really nail down the optimum method for us to wipe out that Slayer for you.
Make sure it involves pain. And as he grins in anticipation we prelap:
I know, it's so cute you could die. INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Buffy tries to make up a guest bed for Giles on the living room sofa. She's got a stack of brightly colored children's sheets with Teddy Bear pictures on them.
But they're all I got.
Think nothing of it. Giles takes a pillow and pillowcase. Buffy tries to tuck a sheet around the sofa cushions.
(re pillowcase) They're whimsical.
They were mine when I was little. I couldn't find the guest sheets. Mom always did this stuff. She looks at the sofa. She's made a complete mess of it ... sheet on sidewise, cushions rumpled.
Hmm.
It's a little ... (catching himself) That's fine! I'll just ... Giles starts straightening out the bed.
Pff. I blame the sofa. We need a real pull-out bed. The kind with no payments 'til two-thousand-and-infinity.
What?
Just, money stuff. Turns out Mom left me some and while I was dead? Got squandered on luxuries like food and clothing.
How bad is it?
Anya says bad. I'm kinda taking her word for it. Actually, I'm kinda trying to not think about it. Giles finishes tugging at the sheets ... the improvised bed looks good now, smooth and even.
A sound policy. At least for tonight.
Yeah, I'll just put it out of my mind for awhile, take a break, get some perspective ... then wake up at four a.m. terrified. Buffy plumps down on the freshly made sofa, grabbing a cushion to hold. She looks straight ahead -- lost ...
Buffy, you may be putting too much pressure on yourself. To return from some unknown level of Hell ... it's only natural coming back would be a process.
In the meantime, I'm scaring people.
That may take some time, too.
Good. I've always hoped to freak out the people who love me. And not just in the short-term, but you know - as a lifestyle.
If it's any consolation, life can get overwhelming even for people who haven't been ... where you have.
I guess, but I don't know, Giles, I mean ... stuff like spoons are still weird to me. Then you add complex financial issues on top of that, and - Buffy go bye-bye. She shakes her head. It's all too much. Giles looks for something, anything comforting to say:
Perhaps you should just go night- night instead.
(smiles) Was that meant to be soothing?
(nods) And it became a debacle of epic proportions. (beat) But - Tomorrow, you and I can sit down together and go over everything. Every bill, one by one. We'll work it out together. Giles sits down next to Buffy. A beat. They share a look.
I'm glad you're back.
Well. I'm glad you are too. Giles moves to put a comforting hand on Buffy's shoulder. But she's up off the couch before he makes contact. Off Giles, watching her, concerned ...
Are we really gonna kill her? That's so sad. INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR - NIGHT Warren has pulled the other two guys away with him in a huddle.
Shut up, Whine-athan.
But I don't want to kill Buffy, either!
Yeah, she saved my life a bunch of times. Plus - she's hot.
It's her or us. We have to do it.
You're talking about murder.
I'm talking about staying alive, and this is my Mom's house so I think what I say goes.
But, aside from the moral issues? And the mess? We can get in trouble for murder.
Dur! Last I checked, the authorities frown on bank robbery too, genius.
I'm not even sure we could kill Buffy. She's got super-strength.
And, you know ... killing people ... This isn't why we got together in the first place.
Yeah. We teamed up with one clear, super-cool mission statement. Remember? FLASH! We WHITEOUT into a FLASHBACK of: INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR - DAY We see the lair before it was "lair-ized." Just a regular, poorly-lit suburban basement rec-room. Jonathan, Andrew and Warren sit at a table playing "Dungeons and Dragons."
So ... you guys wanna team up and take over Sunnydale?
Okay. FLASH BACK TO: INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR - NIGHT Back to the huddle.
Of course I remember. It was last month.
Then you know we have a mission. Jonathan points at a whiteboard posted on the wall. It's titled "TO DO". The list includes "CONTROL THE WEATHER" "MINIATURIZE FORT KNOX" and "CONJURE FAKE I.D.S" and also ...
Shrink rays. Trained gorillas. Workable prototype jetpacks and chicks, chicks, chicks. I know that's the action I signed on for.
Me too. Ixnay on the urder-may.
Vote. JONATHAN Okay. Who's for not killing Buffy? Andrew and Jonathan hold up their "vulcan salute" hands. Wait for Warren. Okay, okay ... he holds up his "vulcan salute hand" too.
Agreed.
So what do we do about this M'Fashnik guy? Andrew gestures, "I don't know."
Wait here. I got an idea. Warren approaches the demon, turning him away from the other two, surreptitiously hands him a slip of paper.
Here's the Slayer's name, address and phone numberer. You wanna kill her? Make it so. The Demon takes the paper. Gives the room one last look-over, heads out. The other two guys approach Warren, awed.
How'd you make him do that?
Yeah, what are you, some kind of Jedi?
(shrugs) The force can sometimes have great power on the weak-minded. INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT Willow is rummaging around in the cupboards. A noise turns her. She sees Giles in the doorway.
Hey Giles. He closes the door. Looking a bit grim.
You have a good talk with Buffy?
Yes, now that she's back.
Isn't it awesome?
Mmm. Tell me about this spell you performed.
(suddenly excited) Okay. First of all - so scary. Like, the Blair Witch would have had to watch like this. (covers eyes) And this giant snake came out my mouth and then there was all this energy crackling and then this pack of demons interrupted but I totally kept it together and the next thing you know ... Buffy. She proudly awaits his kudos.
(sadly, quiet) You're a very stupid girl. Beat. Willow blinks, re-grouping ...
What? Giles ...
Do you have any idea what you've done? The forces you've harnessed? The lines you've crossed?
I thought you'd be ... (swallows) ...impressed, or something.
Oh, don't worry, you've made a deep impression. Of everyone here - you were the one I trusted most to respect the forces of nature.
Are you saying you don't trust me?
Think what you've done to Buffy.
I brought her back!
At incredible risk.
Risk? Of what? Making her deader?
Killing us all. Unleashing a hell on Earth. Shall I go on?
No! Giles, I did what I had to do. I did what nobody else could do.
Oh, there are others in the world who can do what you did. You just don't want to meet them.
Okay, probably not - but they're bad guys. I am not a bad guy. I brought Buffy back to the world and maybe the word you should be looking for is "congratulations."
Having Buffy back in the world makes me feel indescribably wonderful - but I wouldn't congratulate you if you jumped off a cliff and happened to survive.
That's not what I did, Giles!
You were lucky.
I wasn't lucky, I was amazing. How would you know anyway? You weren't even there.
(almost yelling) If I had been I'd have bloody well stopped you! The Magicks you channeled are more primal and ferocious than you can hope to understand, and you're lucky to be alive, you rank, arrogant amateur. Beat. Giles is done. Willow flatlines, total calm, staring into his eyes. Then:
You're right. The Magicks I used are incredibly powerful. I'm incredibly powerful. (beat) And maybe it's not such a good idea for you to piss me off. The two just stare at each other. Long beat. Finally, Willow relents, back to herself.
C'mon, Giles, I don't want to fight. Let's not, okay? I'll think about what you said, and you ... try to be happy Buffy's back. Giles just regards her a moment before responding.
We still have no idea where she was or what happened to her. EXT. BACK PORCH - NIGHT Buffy is standing outside, within earshot of the kitchen. She is hugging herself against the cold, and hearing every word from overhead:
And I'm far from convinced she's come out of all this undamaged. Buffy stays standing where she is in the cold. She looks down. Sees a CIGARETTE BUTT land at her feet. She steps on it, grinds it out. Without looking up:
Hello, Spike. Spike steps out of the shadows, approaches Buffy.
You hear all that noise? Buffy nods.
Just enough to make me feel crappy.
You know watcher-boy doesn't mean anything by it.
I guess. Everyone's all ... they all care. They all care so much, it makes it all harder.
Not sure I followed 'round that bend, love.
I don't know. I just feel like, like I'm spending all my time trying to be okay, so no one'll worry. It's exhausting, and then I get all ... (can't find the words)
... and that makes 'em worry even more. Buffy nods, relieved to be understood without words.
Want me to take 'em out? Give me a hell of a headache, but I could probably thin the herd a little. He smiles, slyly -- joking. Buffy can't quite suppress a smile of her own. That pleases Spike.
Knew I could get a grin. Buffy sits. Spike sits beside her.
Why are you always around when I'm miserable?
'Cause that's when you're alone, I reckon. I'm not much for crowds myself these days.
Me neither.
That works out nicely then. And they sit in silence, looking out at the night.
So, you know anything about finances? EXT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT STOCK SHOT: Only one light on in the living room. It's very late. INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - FOYER/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Dawn, in pajamas, walks down the stairs.
Dawn? Giles rises from the sofa in the living room, where he was sitting up reading. He crosses to Dawn.
Can't sleep?
Not really. You? Giles looks at the book, still held in his hand.
Evidently not.
You ever try mixing parts of every cereal you got together in one bowl?
Does it work?
(shrugs) Gonna find out. You want to join the experiment?
Perhaps I'll be the control group. As you get older you'll find you lose patience with throwing ... up ... Giles is looking at the front door handle, TURNING. Dawn turns to see what he's looking at.
Is that locked?
Should be. CRASH! The front door SMASHES! Dawn takes the brunt of the impact - gets slammed back, knocked to the floor, but conscious. She looks up helplessly to see: The M'Fashnik demon standing in the doorway, having just kicked in the door. Dawn SCREAMS. Giles takes a step forward. The demon swats him aside. Giles, head hits the banister as he falls. He lands on the stairs, out cold. The Demon WHIRLS on Dawn.
You're not the Slayer. But you'll do for a start. As he LUNGES at the screaming Dawn, we BLACKOUT.
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| Act Four |
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INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - FOYER/LIVING ROOM - CONTINUING Exactly where we left off. The Demon LUNGING at Dawn. Except - he STOPS cold. Dawn looks at him, confused. Then he gets YANKED back away from Dawn - revealing Buffy.
Ahhh!
You're paying for that door, buddy! Buffy throws him into the LIVING ROOM where he lands hard on the coffee table, completely flattening it.
(wincing) Ooh ... table. The demon FLIPS himself up from the floor. He is clutching a fragment of the table in his hand, and he throws it aside. He doesn't even notice that it knocks over a lamp, which breaks. Buffy winces.
You have cost me, Slayer.
I cost you? That's a designer lamp, ya mook! The demon charges at Buffy, roaring ...
Oh, watch the rug, watch the rug ... WHAM! He makes impact, tackling her clean into the ... INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT Dining room. Buffy lands hard with the demon on top of her. She rolls him over, knocking him into the table leg. A wine decanter falls off the table...
Gahh! Buffy catches it and sets it down carefully. Buffy gets up and squares off against the demon. And with a mighty punch she launches him toward the kitchen door. But Spike is there to catch him. He twists the demon's arm behind his back, stopping him...
Spike! No! I want him in the kitchen!
More knives?
Less breakables.
(huh?) Good thinking. Spike holds the demon in place right in front of the kitchen door. Then lets go - just at the moment Buffy flies into frame, double-feet kicking the demon hard in the chest, sending him crashing through the doorway into the kitchen. INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS The demon FLIES backward into the kitchen, propelled by Buffy's kick.
Open the door! The basement! Spike yanks open the door to the basement.
I'm taking him down. She grabs the demon, bum-rushes him toward the cellar door, and topples the two of them down the basement stairs. INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - BASEMENT - NIGHT BUMP BUMP BUMP - Buffy and the M'Fashnik demon, locked in combat, come TUMBLING down the basement steps. The Demon lands with a SPLASH in the foot of water at the bottom of the stairs. Buffy and the demon exchange punches. She pushes him back near where the pipe leak was.
I have been looking forward to this, Slayer. The demon looks around for a weapon. He reaches up and grabs the newly-repaired pipe.
No! Water sprays (it doesn't hit Buffy). The demon swings at Buffy with the pipe. In one swift angry move she doubles him over, strips the pipe from him and begins beating him with it. She holds him under the water with one foot as she beats and yells:
Full... copper... re-pipe! No... more... full... copper... re-pipe! Buffy stops. The demon is finally motionless in the water. Breathless, Buffy turns to see Spike standing on the stairs watching.
Whoa. Did you know this place was flooded? Buffy gives him a look reserved for the stupidest people on earth as we hear:
I think we have a lot to feel good about. INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR - DAY The bank-robbery duffel bags are empty. The lair has been thoroughly upgraded since we last saw it. It's now a full-fledged make-out pad/mad scientist hang-out (basically, it's Jane's new office). It has video games and ultra-modern furniture -- including crazy lamps and beaded curtains. It also has a lab bench and lots of mysterious equipment. James Bond meets Freaks & Geeks (the Geeks part). Warren is tinkering with something.
We got the money. We got the lair. And our one loose end has been taken care of by the Slayer. He hits a button. His device is revealed to be a FLAME-THROWER. It shoots a jet of fire a few feet in front of him.
Flamethrower's up. Andrew is operating the controls of a periscope -- the corresponding image appears on the TV -- a woman working in a suburban garden.
Periscope's working. Your mom's weeding tulips again. Jonathan is unpacking a box of action figures and arranging them in fighting poses on their new glass shelves.
Action figures - fully deployed. Now the TV image is of a pretty girl sun bathing.
I still can't believe it. We did it! We can do anything. We, we can stay up all night if we wanna.
Whoa, whoa, don't get all crazy on us, Andrew.
(hurt) I'm only saying ...
But what are we ' gonna do about Buffy? You know sooner or later, the Slayer's gotta come after us.
Bring her on.
We could hypnotize her.
Make her our willing sex bunny. Again with the goofy laughs.
I'm putting that on the list. Jonathan puts "Hypnotize Buffy" on the "To Do" list.
Is this the life or what? I mean, here we got all the stuff we ever wanted, and we didn't have to ...
Earn it?
Exactamundo.
It's true, my friends. Way I see it, life is like an interstellar journey. Some go into hypersleep and travel at sub-light speeds, only to get where they're going after years of struggle, toil and hard, hard work. We, on the other hand ...
Blasted through the space-time continuum in a worm hole?
(nods) Gentlemen ... He lights a cigar with a burning hundred dollar bill.
Crime is our worm hole. He then waves the hundred frantically, blows on it, tries to smooth it out, hoping it's still spendable ...
But everyone knows if the width of a worm hole's cavity is'a whole number of wavelengths plus a fraction of that wavelength, the coinciding particle activity collapses the infrastructure. Warren puts on a virtual reality visor, faces Andrew, looking like a straight-faced, bug-eyed alien.
Dude. Don't be a geek. He starts blasting imaginary targets. INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY Buffy, Xander, Anya, Dawn and Willow are in the living room. They are surrounded by debris. Xander is examining the crushed coffee table. Willow and Dawn are looking at the shattered lamp, trying to put it together like a jigsaw puzzle. Anya is doing math in a notebook. Buffy, sitting on a chair with a taped-together back, looks around at the wreckage, dazed and overwhelmed.
This is going to take forever, isn't it?
Not forever. Just, a very long time. Anya shows her the notebook.
(re: notebook) Here. A first approximation of your spanking new debt.
I've trashed this house so many times. How did Mom pay for all this?
For starters? She saved money with this crappy-ass coffee table. Buffy looks dazed.
There is always that "charging" option.
No. I will definitely ... probably not be doing that. Giles enters, pressing a cloth to his forehead. Tara hovers around him solicitously (she was helping tend to him).
Well, now I know I'm back in America as I've been knocked unconscious.
Aw. Poor lumpy Giles.
What do you think that demon wanted, anyway? (looking around) Aside from costing you a bundle.
Dunno. And now he's way too dead to answer that question. Wish we knew who hired him.
Maybe I could do a locator spell ... Giles shoots her look.
Or not. Xander has reached a decision about the table:
(very TV doctor) It's been four hours. I'm calling it, people. This coffee-table. It's gone. Damn it!
Also the lamp's in critical condition.
The big problem here's that all the pieces are in pieces.
Let's take these out to the trash and give 'em a decent throwing out. Willow, Tara, Xander and Anya pick up pieces of lamp or table and exit. Buffy, Giles and Dawn are left in the living room. Giles looks at Buffy. She's staring at nothing -- she looks empty. Dawn and Giles notice.
Buffy? She looks at him.
Giles. I don't think I can do this.
Yes, you can. Your mother dealt with this sort of thing all the time. She took one crisis at a time, without the aid of superpowers, and got through it all. So can you.
You sure?
I'm positive. Buffy nods, a little less grim. Re-assured. The phone rings.
Who'd be calling? Everyone I know lives here. (as she goes) Be right back. We'll get into this. I want to kick financial obligation's ass.
(matter-of-fact, to Giles) I bet it's creditors. The hounding has begun. I read about it. So ... you think we'll starve?
I very much doubt it.
No chance I'll have to quit school and work assembling cheap toys in a poorly-ventilated sweatshop?
A poorly-ventilated ... What have you been reading? Buffy re-enters, her nearly-cheerful expression gone. Back to game face. Giles picks up on it immediately.
Buffy, what is it?
Angel.
Is he in trouble?
He knows I'm ... He needs to see me. And I have to see him.
Yes, of course. You'll leave for L.A. tomorrow?
(shakes her head) Not L.A. And not here. We'll meet in the middle. There's a place...
I see. Well, we'd better get these bills and things out of the way before you ...
I gotta go now. She heads out. Stops. Comes back.
(re: bills) Thanks for taking care of this for me. Buffy heads upstairs, leaving Giles and Dawn behind. Off Giles and Dawn alone in the trashed living room, we ... BLACK OUT.
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