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Life Serial (September 5, 2001) Written by: David Fury & Jane Espenson Directed by: Nick Marck | ||
| Teaser | ||
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INT. BUFFY'S FOYER - EVENING (DAY 1)
ON THE FRONT DOOR as it swings open and BUFFY enters, carrying a bucket
of fast food chicken.
(calling) Hello! She hears WILLOW answer from the other room.
Buffy? BUFFY TRACK WITH HER as she crosses into... INT. BUFFY'S DINING ROOM - CONTINUING - EVENING
Hope everyone's hungr-- She stops. REVERSE ANGLE on WILLOW, GILES, TARA and DAWN at the table, having just finished dinner. Willow's up on her feet already starting to clear the table. They all inexplicably have the look of being caught doing something wrong.
(disappointed) You ate. GILES DAWN BUFFY She sits. After a beat, Tara looks to the others.
Well, I don't know about everybody else, but I'd love some chicken. GILES DAWN WILLOW ON DAWN, studying Buffy. After a beat:
So...? BUFFY DAWN Buffy's expression darkens, as she thinks for a moment.
Intense. The others share a look.
Well, if you want to talk about it... BUFFY The nod and shrug their understanding to respect her wishes.
Sure, whatever. Willow shares a look with Giles. After a beat...
Buffy, there was some discussion during your absence about... Well, about what you're going to do now. Your plans. BUFFY WILLOW BUFFY GILES BUFFY WILLOW TARA BUFFY As Giles and the others eye her...
Slayer always knows what she's doing. EXT. RESIDENTIAL ALLEY - DAY (DAY 2) ON JONATHON, on the street, eyeing something off-screen.
Sharp, decisive. Always with a plan. We are never gonna become the Crime Lords of Sunnydale with her always one step ahead of us. WARREN (O.S.) OVERHEAD - CLOSE ON WARREN, on his back, looking a bit greasy, as he rolls out from under a parked van.
She's ready. NEW ANGLE as he gets to his feet next to Jonathon.
Sweet. Run me through it. WIDEN to reveal the SUPERVAN - a beige rebuilt passenger van sporting several dents and dings. Warren opens the sliding side door revealing an elaborate command center of state-of-the-art monitors and equipment.
Got nine high-resolution surveillance cameras hooked in: Super wide angle, infrared, autoiris... Plus six kinds of audio matrix monitoring, filtered through a dual quad DVR system and -- JONATHON WARREN NEW ANGLE - ANDREW, putting the finishing touches on a mural of the "Death Star he's painted on the side of the van.
Death Star, dude. Wicked, huh. JONATHON ANDREW JONATHON WARREN Andrew looks at the mural, then back at Warren.
I could paint over it, if you-- WARREN PUSH IN on him, as he smiles.
And the Slayer'll never even know what hit her.
BLACK OUT.
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| Act One | ||
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EXT. UC SUNNYDALE - MORNING - STOCK (DAY 3)
This is gonna be great... INT. SOCIOLOGY CLASSROOM - MORNING Buffy enters with Willow, amid a few other students flowing in and taking their seats. Buffy's forcing positive energy.
I mean, I thought it might be weird being back. And, it is, a little but it's a good kind of weird. WILLOW MIKE, mid-thirties, a vaguely cool academic-type, puts down his knapsack and crosses to the blackboard.
You'll like Mike. BUFFY ON MIKE, writing on the blackboard. NOTE: The class that follows operates BRISKLY, FAST PACED, emphasizing Buffy's difficulty in keeping up. Mike writes the words:
"Social Construction of Reality" (turning to the class) Who can tell me what that is? WIDE ON CLASS - Hands shoot up, including Willow's. ON BUFFY, looking around at the students eager to answer.
Rachel? ON RACHEL, who answer quickly and confidently.
A concept involving a couple of opposing theories. One stressing the externality and independence of social reality from individuals... ON MIKE, turning toward the rest of the class.
And the flip side? ON BUFFY, taken aback as hands shoot up around her again.
Steve? STEVE (O.S.) ON MIKE, picking up the pace.
Good. Who can expand on that? HIGH ANGLE - EMPTY SPACE as raised hands fill the screen.
Chuck. ON BUFFY, listening, watching, increasingly overwhelmed.
Well, those on the latter side of the theoretical divide stress that social reality is actively constructed and restructured by individual actors. As he speaks, Buffy leans in to Willow and whispers.
Will, I'm not following this too well. WILLOW Her hand goes up.
Flow-going might be easier if your classmates weren't all big brains. WILLOW MIKE (O.S.) WILLOW ON MIKE, pointing.
Nicely put. So, Ruby, does that mean there are countless realities? ON WILLOW, pleased with herself, as she turns back to BUFFY who just looks at her.
(perplexed) What? Buffy shakes her head and starts scribbling in her notebook.
That’s a good idea. Take notes. ANGLE ON BUFFY’S NOTEBOOK - She doodles a little stick figure.
“Objective” measurement is actually a social construction on the subjective meanings ascribed by those doing the measuring... BUFFY glances over at the notebook of the girl next to her. ON GIRL’S NOTEBOOK - The girl is doodling a strikingly intricate design, with perspective shadings.
All knowledge of the world is a human construction rather than a mirror of some independent reality... ON BUFFY, giving up, as she RIPS her doodle drawing out other notebook and crumples it. INT. HALLWAY - A LITTLE LATER - - MORNING Buffy and Willow walk, post class. Buffy, looking a little shell shocked.
You’re not dumb. Just... rusty. BUFFY They come upon Tara, waiting.
Hey, how’d it go? WILLOW TARA BUFFY Buffy suddenly gets BUMPED hard by a GUY crossing past and behind her. Her books fall to the floor.
Hey! ON GUY’S HAND, brushing the back of Buffy’s sweater, leaving a tiny, gray, chip (with microcircuitry) clinging to it. NEW ANGLE as the GUY continues on without stopping.
Could at least say sorry, rude-o. She bends down to help Buffy pick up her books.
Everybody’s in a hurry. INT. A DIFFERENT HALLWAY - MEANWHILE - MORNING REVERSE ANGLE to see the guy is WARREN. He ducks around the corner, looks around. He has an ear piece in one of his ears and speaks into a mic attached to his shirt collar, while looking up at something. WIDEN to see a campus security camera pointing at him.
Francis Seven, this is Logan Five. I’m in position. Do you copy? JONATHAN (V.O.) INT. SUPERVAN - CONTINUOUS CLOSE ON MONITOR on which Warren appears.
And you’re up on the monitor. ANDREW WIDEN to find Andrew and Jonathan watching, wearing headsets. Three other monitors - two exhibiting a double quad spit - exhibit other campus views from security camera vantages.
Runner is tagged. Inhibitor is on. INT. THE DIFFERENT HALLWAY - MEANWHILE - MORNING
Repeat, inhibitor is on. Initiate Omega Pulse Sequence. A beat passes. Warren suddenly appears disgusted. INT. SUPERVAN - CONTINUOUS - MORNING Andrew and Jonathan stare at each other, blankly, shrugging.
(flatly) Flip the switch. ANDREW/ JONATHAN JONATHAN reaches over and flicks a switch. EXT. SUPERVAN - ON CAMPUS - CON. - MORNING A SMALL DISH raises up and unfolds on top of the van. It begins to emit an almost imperceptible PULSE. INT. YET ANOTHER HALLWAY- MEANWHILE Buffy and Tara approach a bench. Tara pauses there to fish through her bag -
My art appreciation class doesn’t start for another twenty minutes, so we’ve got some time to kill. Here. She produces an art text book and hands it to Buffy.
You’ll enjoy it. It’s very mellow. ON BUFFY, looking at the book.
You just look at pretty pictures and say “Ooh, what pretty-— There is a STRANGE HIGH PITCHED BUZZING DRONE. Buffy reacts. WIDER as Tara’ s now sitting, and on a wholly different topic.
--didn’t think she liked my cooking, until I figured out that look was her “yummy” face. Y’know how her nose-- BUFFY TARA BUFFY TARA BUFFY Buffy crosses to a nearby water fountain and bends to drink.
I do that sometimes. Once, Willow and I were watching SpongeBob Square-- CLOSE ON BUFFY, drinking, as the STRANGE DRONE occurs again. And she hears, calling her, from a distance...
--Buffy! WIDEN as Buffy straightens and looks. RACK FOCUS ON TARA suddenly way down at the far end of the hall, pausing.
Are you coming? We’re gonna be late for class. Tara continues on. ON BUFFY, her confusion mounting.
What the f -- OMITTED INT. SUPERVAN - MEANWHILE - MORNING CLOSE ON ANDREW and JONATHAN, both staring intently at the main monitor, fascinated. Suddenly, the RUSTY rear door of the van is thrown open, startling Andrew and Jonathan. They spin around and YELP with surprise only to see it’s...
(entering) Is it working? Is it doing it? JONATHAN ANDREW Warren shuts the door. OMITTED INT. HALLWAY. - MEANWHILE. BUFFY rounds the corner in time to see Tara enter a classroom, the door closing behind her.
Tara! She goes to the door and is about to pull it open when... DRONE. The door opens and STUDENTS spill out into the hail, nearly colliding with Buffy. Tara emerges and sees her.
Buffy. Where’ve you been? You missed art class - - BUFFY She looks up at A CLOCK on the wall. It reads: 11:51. As the DRONE is heard again and the minute hand suddenly zips around to 12:12. CLOSE ON BUFFY, her eyes going wide.
There! Did you see--? CUT OUT as she turns to see that Tara’s gone.
Crap! She runs out, hoping to find her. EXT. CAMPUS - NOON BUFFY runs outside, scans the area, she catches sight of Tara in the distance.
Tara! Wait! Come... She stops, noticing... BUFFY’S POV - Student traffic around her is moving at ever INCREASING SPEED. VOICES of conversations become HIGHER PITCHED, effectively becoming punctuated as the... DRONE. She’s suddenly caught in a whirlwind of BLURS rushing past her and SLAMMED HARD. And again, sending her to the ground. And SLAM! She’s struck in the head. Then GRUNTS in pain as her arm is badly injured. All the while the DRONING becomes LOUDER and HIGHER PITCHED. Crawling through the hyper-freeway of moving people, she throws herself under a table, taking refuge. UNDER THE TABLE - Nursing her arm, BUFFY takes off her sweater to get a look at her injury. That’s when she notices THE LITTLE GRAY SQUARE clinging to the back of her sweater. CUT OUT as she plucks it off to scrutinize it. INT. SUPERVAN - MEANWHILE Buffy’s wide-angle image on the monitor from the chip’s POV. WIDEN as the trio panics.
Uh oh. JONATHAN PUSH IN on WARREN - He flips open a covered red button. CLOSE ON HIS HAND - Much tension as he presses the large labeled “DESTRUCT” button. EXT. CAMPUS - MEANWHILE ON BUFFY - The device in her hand suddenly goes -- pffft! --the tiniest explosion in history and disintegrates. ANGLE ON CAMPUS - The DRONE instantly STOPS, and everything returns to normal: students milling about, walking, talking. It now appears to be late afternoon. BUFFY comes out from under the table, looking around. On her confused expression... INT. SUPERVAN - MEANWHILE Warren turns to the others.
Okay. Score me. Jonathan and Andrew confer in whispers.
Right. Fifty points for ingenuity. Another thirty since it involved actual contact. ANDREW JONATHAN WARREN JONATHAN ANDREW ON WARREN, pleased.
Beat that. ON ANDREW, a confident smirk curling his mouth.
Oh. I will. OMITTED
BLACK OUT.
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| Act Two | ||
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EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE- EARLY MORNING (DAY
4)
TILT DOWN from an office building under construction, exposed beams,
steel supports, etc.
This is gonna be great... We find Buffy and XANDER walking through the site, both wearing hard hats. Buffy carries a lunch box.
Diving right into the work force. Being the breadwinner. Building things with my hands. XANDER BUFFY XANDER BUFFY Xander eyes her on that, but she’s oblivious.
Uh-huh. So, Giles have any thoughts about that little fast-forward freak-out you had at school? BUFFY XANDER They cross off. EXT. BUILDING UNDER CONSTRUCTION - MOMENTS LATER ANGLE ON SIX MEN gearing up for the day, stowing their stuff, pulling on work gloves, etc. As XANDER and BUFFY approach, one of the men, TONY, a swarthy, muscular guy, strapping on a tool belt, looks up and crosses to meet them.
Tony... This is Buffy. You know, the friend I told you about. BUFFY Tony squints at her. When he doesn’t move to shake her hand, Buffy tries waving it at the others.
Guys. ON THE OTHER MEN who also eye her and share looks. ANGLE ON TONY, stepping in to Xander.
You gotta be kidding me. We’re a week behind, I got two men out on the DL and now you want us to baby-sit some little girl. BUFFY TONY XANDER Tony shakes his head, emits a disgusted scoff and turns back to the other men who appear equally as put out.
That's the spirit. (sotto, to Buffy) Don't mind him. He may seem pig ignorant, rude and a little hostile … (beat, then brightly) Have fun! He starts off.
What? Wait! Where are you going? XANDER She joins the other workers as Tony, looking over blueprints, is in the midst of assigning tasks.
Okay , Danny finish up putting in those J-boxes. Vince and Marco, need you to haul steel inside. Vince, a body building, tattooed, macho fella steps in.
(having some fun) Gee, I dunno, Tone. I mean, I don't wanna get in trouble with any of those Affirmative Action lawyers. (re Buffy) I say you put Britney here on hauling duty. BUFFY Tony glares at Buffy, his eyes narrow.
Okay. You’re on it, princess. Try not to break a nail. MARCO moves to the stacked beams as the others move off. ON BUFFY, squinting with disbelief.
(muttering) “Break a nail?” MARCO (O.S.) Buffy turns to look at Marco, a sympathetic co-worker.
And don’t let ‘em goad you into doing something stupid and hurting yourself. These beams weigh a few hundred pounds. Buffy easily picks up a girder.
I got it. Which way’s the stairwell? Marco’s jaw drops. Stunned, he can only point.
Thanks. She carries it off as Marco stares after her. INT. A DIFFERENT PART OF THE BUILDING - A BIT LATER CLOSE ON a welding torch shooting flame. WIDEN to see DANNY, in a safety mask, and standing atop a SCISSOR LIFT, welding away. CUT OUT further to see RON struggling to lift a steel beam onto a couple of metal saw horses with a grinding wheel. BUFFY enters frame, carrying a beam to add to a nearby pile, in mid-attempt at getting a conversation going with Ron.
...So, basically, I’m just trying to learn everything I can. ‘Cause I don’t want to just have a job, you know, I want a career. Something I can grow into... She crosses to Ron to aid him in lifting the beam onto the horses. Ron silently watches her. The beam now in place, she crosses to grab another one.....
I mean, I never expected to find myself working in construction, but it kinda makes sense when -- As she brings another over, Ron grabs an end, stopping her.
Hey! We get paid by the hour. Wanna ruin it for the rest of us? Slow down. He lets go, and crosses away, leaving her alone. She watches him go, perplexed and frustrated. NEW ANGLE ON TONY, in the B.G., unseen by Buffy, eyeing her. EXT. UNFINISHED AREA OF THE BUILDING - LATER In this area, there are two unfinished walls, frames only, open to the outside. BUFFY enters, moving toward a water dispenser. She stops when she hears:
Hey, uh, Buffy... ON VINCE and a couple of other guys scrutinizing the blueprints in Vince’s hands.
Wanna take a look at these blueprints? You know, since you’re into learning. BUFFY She crosses to look. Vince hands her the plans.
Tell us what you think. BUFFY’s POV - a nudie centerfold is taped to the blueprints (naughty bits discreetly obscured). ON BUFFY, caught off guard for a moment, then barely flinching. She nods as she plays along, scrutinizing.
Well, I’m no structural engineer, but looks a little top heavy. She sighs wearily as the others cross out, snickering.
C’mon, girls. Lunch break. OMITTED EXT. SUPERVAN - MEANWHILE SOMEONE’S POV THROUGH BINOCULARS - BUFFY as she puts the plans down and crosses to the water dispenser.
Got visual of subject. 8 o’clock. ANGLE ON Warren, in the drivers seat, peering out the window of the parked supervan with a pair of high-powered binoculars. Jonathan is peering over his shoulder.
That’s not 8 o’clock. NT. SUPERVAN - CONTINUOUS Warren turns and glares at Jonathan.
It is if you’re facing the front of the van. JONATHAN WARREN JONATHAN Jonathan looks toward the rear of the van.
You’re up. ON ANDREW - he raises up an ancient ornate pan-flute-looking instrument and blows into it. It makes an otherworldly sound, like ECHOING WHISPERS hissing some long dead language. INT. UNFINISHED AREA OF BUILDING - CONTINUOUS ON BUFFY at the water dispenser. As she reaches for a cup, a FIGURE, in the DEEP BACKGROUND, SHADOWY and in SOFT FOCUS, quickly moves across two pillars and disappears behind a wall. Sensing it, or perhaps catching sight of it in her periphery, Buffy looks back. After a moment, seeing nothing, she returns her attention to the dispenser. She leans over to fill her cup. SOMETHING’S POV - As it approaches Buffy from behind. Much ominousness. It hesitates to pick up a large CABLE CUTTER resting atop saw horses (though we don’t see a hand), then continues toward her. As it’s almost upon her... CLOSE ON BUFFY - Her cup filled, she straightens. TILT UP with her and we see TONY, standing directly behind, scrutinizing her, the Cable Cutter resting on his shoulder. Buffy senses his presence and whips around, nearly splashing him with her water. Tony offers her a crooked grin.
Jumpy. Whatsa matter? I scare you? Buffy’s eyes widen as she drops her cup, grabs a stunned Tony and tosses him aside, revealing... A MANGY, SIMIAN-LIKE DEMON MONSTER that slashes the air with its thick three-fingered claw where Tony once stood. ON TONY as he hits the floor, striking his head on the base of a pillar, knocking him into semi-consciousness. BACK ON BUFFY as she is about to engage the Monster. When she hears a SNARL and turns to see ANOTHER ONE on her right. NEW ANGLE as she takes a step back, sizing up the beasts, when a THIRD MONSTER leaps in behind her. She’s surrounded. She spins around, catching the third monster in the head with a roundhouse kick. MONSTER #3 is knocked back as MONSTERS #1 and #2 charge her. And so THE FIGHT. Flipping over a crossbeam, Buffy kicks MONSTERS #2 and #3 who fly backward, CRASHING through a wall and into... INT. THE DIFFERENT PART OF THE BUILDING - CONTINUOUS The workers are there, sitting around, eating their lunches as
Look out! A large section of the wall collapses on top of Marco and several of the other workers, trapping them under support beams, drywall and insulation. The only ones spared are RON and VINCE who crawl out of the way. LOW ANGLE ON VINCE as he stops crawling, having stumbled upon and looking up at MONSTER #2, back on its feet and looking unhappy. Vince SCREAMS. INT. UNFINISHED AREA OF BUILDING - MEANWHILE BUFFY, in mid-battle with Monster #1, hears the scream. She slams her foot down on the scoop of a shovel. It flips high into the air, she grabs it and whacks Monster #1 across the head. It hits the ground. Buffy jams the shovel down into the Monster’s throat (out of frame), decapitating it. She tosses the shovel and moves to head off when she sees MONSTER #1’s corpse begin to MELT into a thick, bubbling, foam and dissolve into the floor. INT. THE DIFFERENT PART OF THE BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER Vince and Ron are huddled in a corner, cowering, as Monsters #2 and #3 converge on them.
Oh, God. Help me! Help me, please. Buffy is there. She battles the two remaining monsters. She manages to break one’s neck across a saw horse. It MELTS and BUBBLES into nothingness. In battle with the last, she gets it under the scissor lift, then cuts the hydraulic cable. The lift slams down atop the demon, crushing it. MELT. BUBBLE. INT. SUPERVAN - SAME TIME Warren, Jonathan and Andrew are watching. Andrew now sitting between the other two in the front seat with the binos.
Aw, man. She took ‘em out. WARREN He takes the binoculars and looks.
Okay, give ‘em back now. WARREN ANDREW As he pulls at the binoculars, his elbow slips and hits the car horn which blares the THEME FROM STAR WARS. INT. THE DIFFERENT PART OF THE BUILDING - CONTINUOUS Hearing the horn, Buffy looks out an opening and sees BUFFY’S POV - THE SUPERVAN, parked in the street. INT. SUPERVAN - CONTINUOUS
(panicking) Duck! The trio ducks down behind the car console. After a moment, Warren and Jonathan turn and glare at Andrew.
(defensively) Hey, all you said was lose the mural. INT. THE DIFFERENT PART OF THE BUILDING - CONTINUOUS ON BUFFY, still squinting at the van when she hears:
Oh my god... ON XANDER, approaching, staring with horror at the carnage.
Buffy? What-- What happened? How--? He looks over at the workers pulling themselves and each other out from the rubble.
(reproachful) Aw, Buffy... I know those guys can be jerks, but was it necessary to- BUFFY TONY (O.S.) TONY appears, holding a first aid compress to his head.
Came over to tell your friend I was impressed with the job she was doing, liking the way she handles herself... Then, all of a sudden, she goes berserk and attacks me. BUFFY She glances at Tony, then grabs Xander and pulls him out of Tony’s earshot.
Demons. Three big apey things. XANDER BUFFY XANDER BUFFY Xander buries his head in his hands.
But...there are witnesses. They - - (seeing Vince) Hey, Vince. You can tell the clients what happened, right? How I jumped in and protected you and took care of those... things. Vince looks embarrassed at Xander, then...
I dunno what you’re talking about. All I saw was you losing it or something. (to Xander) Time of the month. He starts off. She goes after him and grabs his arm.
What?! You-- You were huddled in the corner. Crying. Like a baby. VINCE He pulls away. Buffy watches, incredulous. Then sees her HARD HAT, on the ground. She bends to pick it up, brushing the dirt off as XANDER joins her.
Xander. I didn’t imagine this. XANDER BUFFY TRACK WITH THEM as Xander takes her arm and walks her away.
Well, something’s going on. Think it’s worth checking into. And I don’t mean later. You need to see Giles and get on this right away. I’d start with IDing those demons... BUFFY XANDER As they cross off, and he continues to offer advice, a somewhat weary Buffy surrenders her hard hat to him.
And maybe when I get off from work, I can help you run through mug shots...
BLACK OUT.
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| Act Three | ||
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EXT. MAGIC BOX - STOCK - (DAY 5)
To establish. Prelap:
(forced) This is gonna be great... INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY Buffy and Anya walk and talk. Buffy wears a name tag: “Hi, I’m BUFFY. Ask Me About Curses.”
Because I’ve always been interested in-- (almost choking) Interested in retail. They approach Giles piling books on the table. Buffy sits down next to him, while Anya heads to the counter.
Is this all for research? Or some kind of stress test for the table? GILES BUFFY Anya returns from the counter with a thick binder.
Let’s review. You record returns here. And these are the forms for special orders, they’re shipped wherever the customer wants. And these are the hold slips. GILES As Buffy tries to stay interested, we PUSH IN on a skullshaped candle behind her. A tiny lens fills an eye socket. INT. SUPERVAN - DAY Warren and Andrew watch the Magic Box interior on a monitor. Jonathan arranges spell ingredients.
(over the monitor) And make sure you pull the item off the shelf. I can illustrate with an amusing story about a crystal... Warren turns the sound down.
This is so dull I might actually have fallen asleep and be dreaming you guys. ANDREW WARREN Jonathan looks up from creating a triangle out of sand on the floor of the van. He’s copying it from a large open book.
Guys. I’m ready. They sit at the points of the triangle. Jonathan puts an animal leg bone, inscribed with magic symbols, in the center.
I need you to hold hands. ANDREW WARREN Andrew grabs Warren’s hand. Jonathan is studying his big book of magic. Warren picks up the bone.
Stop touching my magic bone! Warren drops the bone. Andrew snickers. Jonathan lights a piece of parchment on the floor.
Okay. It’s in Latin, so don’t laugh, it’s s’posed to sound like this. Jonathan reads haltingly while he shakes the magic bone.
Smoke fills the van. All three boys start coughing. INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY Buffy is near the window, looking bored. She looks at her watch. The van is visible through the window behind her, unseen by her. The van doors open and smoke rolls out. The bell on the door JINGLES as a WOMAN CUSTOMER enters. Giles approaches Buffy.
Buffy, a little advice. While I ran the store I found it helpful to imagine I was back in the library. Giles removes his glasses and starts polishing them.
If you concentrate on service, not making a sale, then you’re more likely to have a satisfied customer. Giles can’t get his glasses exactly right.
I guess I’ll find my own style. GILES Anya approaches.
That woman. Go sell her something. Buffy heads over, but is stopped by a MALE CUSTOMER. He’s looking at two candles. A yellow one and a brown one.
Miss? Which candle creates a more, you know, romantic atmosphere? BUFFY She puts down the brown candle. Hands him the yellow one.
Here ya go. The Male Customer takes the lemon candle and heads toward the cash register. Buffy goes to the woman customer.
Can I help you? WOMAN CUSTOMER BUFFY INT. MAGIC BOX - BASEMENT - DAY Buffy, carrying a plastic “Magic Box” bag, reads shelf-labels.
Petrified Hamsters, the Dagger of Lex, eyeballs in honey, Mummy hand. A desiccated human hand wrapped in ancient tattered linen. She touches it and it LEAPS UP, GRABS HER BY THE THROAT! . Buffy thrashes around. She reaches blindly, finds herself grabbing the Dagger of Lex off the nearby shelf. She wrenches the hand off her neck, throws it down and STABS IT. The hand sags, dead. Buffy stares at it, gasping. INT. MAGIC BOX — DAY Buffy holds the impaled, oozing hand out to the woman.
And you get the Dagger of Lex for free. See the inlaid pearl there, um, under the oozing black goo? WOMAN CUSTOMER CLOSE ON BUFFY AS SHE LOOKS DOWN AT THE HAND.
It’s playing dead. Little scamp. SFX: DOOR JINGLE INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY 42 Buffy looks over to see: the woman customer entering! Buffy is no longer holding the impaled hand and everything is as it was when the customer entered. Giles approaches.
Buffy, a little advice... BUFFY Buffy looks at him, bewildered. INT. SUPERVAN - DAY Warren slaps Jonathan on the back, almost knocking him over.
You did it, Dude! She’s looping! What d’ya do? Enchant the hand thing? JONATHAN ANDREW JONATHAN INT. MAGIC BOX — DAY Giles cleans his glasses. He can’t get ‘em exactly right.
...more apt to satisfy the customer. BUFFY GILES Anya approaches.
Go help the lady who just came in. BUFFY ANYA Anya gently pushes Buffy toward the customer.
Miss? Buffy grabs the yellow candle and hands it to him. Then, still trying to figure it out, she goes to the woman.
Hi. I’m looking for something really specific. I heard you carry it- BUFFY WOMAN CUSTOMER BUFFY WOMAN CUSTOMER BUFFY INT. SUPERVAN - DAY The boys are watching.
Smart. She’s figuring out the game. Satisfy the customer. She might have you beat, Stretch. JONATHAN ANDREW WARREN ANDREW INT. MAGIC BOX - BASEMENT - DAY Buffy approaches the Mummy Hand carefully, with A PAIR OF TONGS in one hand and THE DAGGER in the other. INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY The woman looks, appalled, into the shopping bag.
Fingers sold separately. SFX: JINGLE INT. MAGIC BOX — DAY The Woman Customer has just entered. Buffy heads for the stairs. Anya stops her.
Where are you going? BUFFY ANYA BUFFY ANYA BUFFY Anya moves away as Giles comes over.
Say, Buffy, a piece of advice. If you think of the store as a library... Giles removes his glasses and starts polishing them. He can’t get them exactly how he wants them.
...you’ll find you can concentrate on service, instead of selling. BUFFY GILES Buffy gives up on Giles, heads toward the woman customer.
Miss? Buffy picks up the yellow candle and TOSSES IT TO HIM. From there she calls over to the Woman Customer.
(called out) Mummy Hand, right? You got it, lady. OMITTED INT. MAGIC BOX - - DAY Buffy and the woman stand at the counter, as if they were completing the transaction. The Mummy Hand has the woman by the throat. Buffy struggles to pull it off. SFX: JINGLE INT. MAGIC BOX -- DAY The customer has just entered. Buffy gives up and EXITS OUT FRONT DOOR. AND ENTERS FROM THE TRAINING ROOM. That didn’t work. OMITTED INT. MAGIC BOX - BASEMENT - LATER (DAY) Buffy stares, head on her fist, at the Mummy Hand. It has the tongs and waves them at her, clacking them threateningly. SFX: JINGLE OMITTED INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY Buffy rips the bell from over the door. SFX: JINGLE INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY Buffy’s on her way over to the Woman Customer. On Buffy’s way over she grabs the brown candle and FLIPS it up into the air. The Male Customer catches it.
If you like slug, go with the slug. She’s not gonna sleep with you anyway. INT. SUPERVAN - DAY On the monitor, volume turned down: the woman waves a very dead limp Mummy Hand in Buffy’s face and rants soundlessly. The boys narrate the woman with Monty Python English-accent voices.
This Mummy Hand has ceased to be! ANDREW SFX: JINGLE INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY Giles approaches Buffy, polishing his glasses.
Buffy, some advice -- She grabs the glasses, throws them to the floor, stomps them. SFX: JINGLE INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY Buffy launches herself at the woman, attacking.
It’s you! You’re doing this! Buffy grabs the woman by the throat, they fall out of frame. SFX: JINGLE INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY Buffy throws a candle at the male customer.
Ow! SFX: JINGLE INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY Buffy just stands and cries loudly. Everyone stares. SFX: JINGLE INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY Buffy stands in front of the woman, defeated.
I know we promised you a Mummy Hand. It’s just... I can’t get it for you. It’s... something’s wrong with it. It’s defective. WOMAN CUSTOMER BUFFY But there s no way to get... Buffy slowly smiles as she finds the answer...
….. to get that hand. But I can special-order one. We can deliver it anywhere you want! WOMAN CUSTOMER INT. MAGIC BOX - MOMENTS LATER (DAY) At the counter. The woman hands Buffy a form.
Thanks for shopping at the Magic Box! The door JINGLES as the WOMAN EXITS. Buffy beams. INT. SUPERVAN - DAY Warren, Andrew and Jonathan high-five.
(to Jonathan) Good job, Man. ANDREW JONATHAN ANDREW JONATHAN WARREN INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY Buffy is where we left her. Anya and Giles approach, see the delivery form.
Congratulations! Your first sale. ANYA GILES ANYA GILES BUFFY With a calm smile, Buffy takes off her name tag. Sets it down. She walks out.
BLACK OUT.
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| Act Four | ||
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CLOSE ON BUFFY
This is gonna be great. Buffy’s hand rises into frame -- shot glass. She downs it.
Bleagggh. She sticks her tongue out, makes a face and shudders. (As she will after each beverage in this act.) ANOTHER ANGLE Reveals Buffy is in... INT. SPIKE’S CRYPT- LOWER LEVEL - NIGHT Spike and Buffy sit. Spike’s flask is between them. Spike drinks a shot too.
Life is stupid. SPIKE BUFFY SPIKE BUFFY SPIKE BUFFY Buffy pours for both of them.
Damn right. I’d hit the demon world. Ask questions, throw punches, find out what’s in the air. Fun, too. Spike tosses back another shot.
‘S not my kind of fun. SPIKE Buffy drinks.
Bleeeegh. SPIKE Buffy tries to pour another drink. The flask is empty.
Are there drinks in your world? Spike smiles. INT. BAR -- NIGHT A dive with a vibe. Dark but not dirty, kinda vintage. Old jukebox, polished bar, human and demon clientele. Spike enters with a bit of a swagger -- a regular. Buffy follows.
Your motorcycle is loud. Spike leans on the bar. The BARTENDER looks human except for lizard-eyes and subtly-forked tongue.
Ssspike. Spike hands over cash as he orders:
My usual, Dave. And one for the lady. (to Buffy) We’re headin’ for the back room, pet. ‘S where the real action is. INT. BAR - BACK ROOM - NIGHT Buffy and Spike enter, carrying their drinks. Cases of liquor line the wall and in the center: a demon poker game.
(quietly to Buffy) These lowlifes know everything happens in this town. BUFFY SPIKE Spike steps over to the game.
Boys. What’s the game? We get our first good look at the players now. A SMALL DEMON with lobster-claw hands. A RAT-FACED DEMON with tiny red eyes. A SLIME-COVERED DEMON. And a LOOSE-SKINNED DEMON, his wrinkly hide sagging off his face and arms.
You know the game, Spike. You in? SMALL DEMON Spike grabs the Small Demon out of his chair, holds him up as if to interrogate him...
Ask him if he’s heard -- Spike shoves the Small Demon aside and takes his seat.
(to Buffy) Later. BUFFY Spike smiles at the other players politely.
I need a moment with my lady. Spike gets up. He and Buffy step to one side.
You wanna play, that’s fine. I’m sticking to the plan. Who do I kill first to get information? Spike puts an arm around her, trying to keep her under control. He talks softly, his lips right at her ear.
Listen. These guys talk while they play. We’ll get more information out of their mouths than out of gaping holes in their corpses. Buffy thinks, then nods. Spike sits.
I’m in. Everyone all right with that? The other demons exchange a look.
Ante up. The demons each produce a live kitten. Slap it down.
Kittens?! You’re playing for kittens? SPIKE BUFFY She laughs sloppily. Spike glares at her.
You thought I was just gonna let that lie there? EXT. STREET - NIGHT The van drives down the street INT. SUPERVAN - DRIVING - NIGHT Warren drives the van. Andrew and Jonathan, standing up, are looking over his shoulder.
Where are we going? WARREN ANDREW WARREN JONATHAN WARREN ANDREW Stunned silence. Warren reaches around, SMACKS Andrew.
Hey! WARREN INT. BAR - BACK ROOM - NIGHT Spike has just laid down a STRAIGHT FLUSH and is sweeping the last of a large pile of kittens into his (covered) basket. Buffy has wandered off to one side, holding a bottle and shot glass. (She is not seen for most of the following.)
You’re lucky today, Spike. SPIKE Spike indicates Buffy, who’s just finished a shot.
Bleeeegh. RAT-FACED DEMON LOOSE-SKINNED DEMON SPIKE RAT-FACED DEMON The Loose-Skinned demon stands...
We’re not the ones cheating! He thumps the table and a card falls out of the wobbly sheets of skin on his arm.
I had no idea that was there. I coulda leaned on that days ago. SLIME-COVERED DEMON RAT-FACED DEMON LOOSE-SKINNED DEMON Spike jumps up, insulted. The demons are all on their feet too, now. To fight or intercede:
Leave your winnings and get out! We’ll forget the whole thing. SPIKE Spike looks to Buffy, expecting her to back him up. She’s pretty drunk, but she knows what she wants.
I’m not getting into a bar fight! I’ll beat ‘em up for information, great! But not to defend your right to gamble for kittens! Which, by the way, is a stupid currency! SLIME-COVERED DEMON SPIKE BUFFY Buffy grabs Spike’s basket and tips it over, letting the kittens scatter, MEWING.
No! / Hey! / The money’s getting away! BUFFY SPIKE She SHOVES SPIKE ASIDE and storms out. INT. BAR - NIGHT Buffy beelines for the door, Spike cuts her off.
What’s wrong, love? BUFFY SPIKE BUFFY Buffy heads out. Spike follows her. INT. SUPERVAN - NIGHT The van is parked now and the disagreement continues.
Connery is Bond. He had style. JONATHAN WARREN ANDREW JONATHAN WARREN A beat of quiet. Fight over. But he can’t let it die:
There was a shot of, like, pigeons doing doubletakes when that gondola blasted by. Moonraker is inexcusable. EXT. BAR - NIGHT Spike exits the bar, running. He runs right into Buffy just outside the bar door. She’s staring at the boys’ VAN.
That van. SPIKE BUFFY INT. SUPERVAN - NIGHT The boys are still arguing. On their feet now, fingers pointing, ready to rumble.
Connery’s the only actor of the bunch. ANDREW WARREN Warren grabs Andrew in a headlock.
Stop it! Guys! No! Jonathan is trying to separate them when he notices something on the monitor.
Look! ON THE MONITOR: Buffy approaches. Andrew and Warren freeze, looking at it. Andrew is still in the headlock.
She’s coming over! What do we do? WARREN EXT. BAR - NIGHT Spike hangs back. Buffy unsteadily approaches the van alone. A HORNED DEMON jumps out at her from behind the van. It’s big and scary-looking, with wings and a kind of triceratops face thing going on. It wears a big ornate codpiece and it sounds a lot like Jonathan.
Rrrrrrgg! You have discovered me! Do not even try to defeat me, for I have been testing you and know all your weaknesses! The van drives away. Buffy swings wildly. The demon ducks the punch clumsily. Buffy kicks the Horned Demon, knocking him back. She also falls on her butt. Spike runs up. He helps Buffy to her feet. Buffy swats at him, resisting his help.
‘M okay. I got it. Get off me. The demon staggers dramatically!
I am well struck! I call upon the misty portal to my demon dimension. There to lay my head and gently die. POOF! Looking as if it were produced by a amateur magician, there is a large puff of smoke in front of the Horned Demon. Viewers can see the Demon running away through the smoke. But Buffy and Spike don’t see that.
He blew up. Did you see it? SPIKE BUFFY EXT./INT. SUPERVAN - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT The van drives quickly around a corner. The big HORNED DEMON runs around the corner after it. The van screeches to a halt and the Demon runs up to the driver’s side window. Warren is inside behind the wheel, Andrew next to him.
(pathetic) She hurt me all over. WARREN HORNED DEMON ANDREW HORNED DEMON The demon MORPHS into Jonathan. He’ s bruised and naked, holding up the demon’s large and frightening codpiece with both hands at his hips. He trudges around to the back of the van. He moves like everything hurts. Warren and Andrew meet him at the back doors and help him into the van.
Next time I do that spell, one of you guys has to look like a demon. ANDREW Jonathan huddles’ into a blanket.
Yeah, that was sexy the way she touched me real hard with her fists. (then) I only look big, I actually have the proportional strength of... me. WARREN JONATHAN ANDREW WARREN ANDREW JONATHAN Andrew hits a switch and they all look at the monitors.
Free cable porn! INT. BUFFY’S HOUSE - BUFFY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT Giles sits. Buffy enters from the hallway.
Feel better? BUFFY GILES BUFFY She sits down next to him.
Giles, I’m really screwing up. GILES BUFFY GILES BUFFY GILES Giles hands Buffy a check.
A check - - Giles, I can’t take this. It’s too much. GILES He makes a motion like he’s going to tear it. Buffy grabs it.
I was just being polite. I’m taking the money. This is great. More than great. Like, I don’t really know how to say this... I guess, it’s a little like having Mom back. GILES BUFFY Giles considers...
Is there some sort of rakish uncle in this mapping? BUFFY Buffy gets up, heads away.
I’m gonna show this to Dawn. She loves it when stuff gets, like, easy. She pauses.
Just to let you know. This... it really makes me feel… safe. Knowing you’re always gonna be there. Buffy runs out. Giles stares after her. His smile fades.
BLACK OUT.
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